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P a sto r, Centlnella B ible Chnrch, Haw thorne, Californ ia
W e s h a l l con tinue with the problem verb al communication as a valuable tool for the success of modem marriage. In a previous ar ticle we discussed the value of this ability. We now
Understanding Without trying to become psychol ogists, we can understand our part ners! We can become good listeners. Ask yourself, “What is my spouse really trying to tell me?” You will be pleased with the result. Consider the husband who has had a rough day at work. He has been belittled and has temporarily lost self-confidence. He greets his wife and says, “ I surely have a headache.” Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t. He may reason, “ If she accepts this, maybe I’ll tell her what is really bothering me — that my boss called me a ‘stupid blockhead.’ I’d like to tell her that, but I’m n o t sure whether she will agree with my boss, or will encourage me!” So he tries this “ headache routine.” But the wife retaliates, “You have a headache! You ought to feel mine!” He wasn’t trying to have a worse headache than hers. He just threw out a feeler. But since that was reject ed, he was glad that he hadn’t con fided the humiliating experience. The wife could have applied the principle of understanding and said, “You must have had a difficult time at work, dear.” That was what he was trying to say. Encouraged by her understanding, he would have con fided the whole story to her and the evening would have been enjoyable. Let us consider the wife who enthu siastically tries to tell her husband about the wonderful bargains that she had found in the purchase of some needed household items. She attempts to show him a particular item of which she is proud, but he rebuffs her with, “ Honey, can’t you see I’in reading the paper?” If she had been extravagant, he would have criticized her. Since she was not, she needed app ro va l , assurance, and praise. If the husband had alertly asked himself. “What is she trying to communicate?” , he would have un derstood her need and said, “Honey, you are a good shopper. I’m proud of you. I’m glad that I can trust you with our money.” This couple, too, would have had a happy evening to gether. This happy marital relationship can be yours with conscious effort and unselfish love. First Corinthians 13 gives divine insight into this kind of love. Life is too short to spend in needless misunderstanding.
Rev. Boyles
consider three factors in the use of this tool; viz, honesty, permissiveness, and understanding. Honesty Christians are taught to love each other and to discipline their emotions. This often creates an interesting situ ation. Normal problems arise in mar riage. The disciplined partner repres ses his anger and becomes obnoxious ly polite. This creates an artificial relationship. The husband and wife communicate at the small-talk level. They piously inquire about the weather, the children, the well-being, and the health of each other. By means of this superficial small-talk, they keep each other at arm’s length, while maintaining a sense of holy nobility because they didn’t become angry, slam doors, or throw dishes! However, nothing is solved. They have drifted apart. The same problem arises again, with no insight gained from the earlier experience, and the partners isolate themselves again. Christian couples must leam that ex ternal piety is no substitute for hon esty with oneself and with each other. Permissiveness The inability and unwillingnes to communicate, often experienced by married couples, is usually a defense against possible rejection and hurt. If there has been a history of having t rue f e e l i n g s misunderstood, ridi culed, twisted and discussed with friends, there develops a loathness to express oneself and to lay bare his soul. Defenses are engineered and manipulated to keep from being hurt again. One common defense is to withdraw verbally. In a marital climate where there is self-understanding, acceptance, and trust, true feelings can be expressed, accepted, forgiven, and forgotten. This is real spirituality and true Christian discipline. It is never too late for a couple to develop mutually such a home atmosphere.
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FEBRUARY, 1959
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