Candlelight Magazine 006

Candlelight Magazine Issue 006 offers thoughtful stories on grief, memory, and healing—gentle, human reflections for those navigating loss.

VOLUME NO. 006

WINTER 2026̶

on life, love, and loss ̶

CONTENTS

Inspiration From A Life Well-Lived

F E A T U R E S

Holding It Together, Not Just For Yourself

Remembering Your Loved One—Beyond the Circumstances of Thier Death

Defining the Art of a Good Death

I N T E R V I E W

(And My Mother)

P O E T R Y

Thanks for the Sip, Joey

E S S A Y S

How to Say the Right Thing

Dear Candlelight

L E T T E R S

Crisis and Support

R E S O U R C E S

WITH WORK BY Director: Laura Jaye Cramer, Manager Editor: Noah Sanders

Caitlin Brew, Elizabeth Campbell, Enzo Cardamuro, Isabella Doeksen, Jovana Gavrilovic, Eberhard Grossgasteiger, Thomas T. Hammond, Paula Martinez, Edisona Mahmutaj, Ayala Martin, Becca McAuliffe, Larry D. Moore, William Perez, Abbie Rowe, John Sergio, Ivy Young

PUBLISHER Waiting Room Publishing

Cover Photography: Eberhard Grossgasteiger

Winter 2026

GATHERING INSPIRATION FROM A LIFE WELL-LIVED

Candlelight Magazine

I recently attended a funeral—although I was probably the only person there who would have called it that. The invitation described it instead as a celebration of life, a phrase that came with instructions I didn’t quite know what to do with: wear bright colors, come hungry for the food that would be pro- vided, approach death in a way unfamiliar to me. I don’t come from a “celebration of life” family. We treat dying the way we treat living: tightly, carefully, as if anything outside of

by WILLIAM PEREZ image by THOMAS T. HAMMOND

Winter 2026

“

Gr ief

can

sometimes

trap

wishing for one more conversation

Honor ing

the

dead

asks

some-

What

did

thi s

person

show

what’s proper might knock the whole thing off its hinges. We don’t do potlucks, whether for funerals or not, and bright col- ors tend to suggest that you are unserious—or, at the very least, not to be taken seriously. This celebration of life was for a colleague of mine, someone I had known years earlier and then quietly lost contact with. We worked at a theater togeth- er—me on the business side, him in the artistic department. I nev- er knew exactly what it was that he did. By the time we crossed paths, he was already very old, and I thought of myself as very busy. I had grants to apply for and funds to raise, seasons to se- cure. I was told he was important, but I couldn’t quite understand how. What, I wondered, could be more important than keep- ing the theater financially alive?

and later an annual dance fes- tival. He received award after award, each bearing a title heavy with meaning and recognition. But what struck me most wasn’t the scale of what he had built—it was the way people described be- ing around him while he built it. Grief can sometimes trap us in longing for the past, wishing for one more conversation or one more ordinary moment. Hon- oring the dead asks something gently different of us. What did this person show me about how to live? By applying these les - sons to our own lives, we ensure that their influence continues beyond their physical presence. When we choose patience be- cause they were patient, gen- erosity because they were generous, or bravery because

And yet, when I met him, I liked him immediately. His mus- tache curled into neat circles at the ends. He gave everyone nicknames, offering them free - ly, as if familiarity were a kind- ness rather than something to be earned. I thought of him as unserious—wonderfully so, but still unserious. A charac- ter in the background of what I believed was the real work. As the celebration began, that understanding slowly unraveled. Speaker after speaker stood up and spoke not about who he had been at the end of his life, but at the beginning, and in the long stretch between. He had started as a folk dancer before joining a major ballet compa- ny. He went on to choreograph dozens of original works, found- ed his own dance company,

Candlelight Magazine

longing

for

the

pas t ,

one

ordinary

moment .

thing

gent ly

different

us .

l ive? ”

about

how

him had felt possible. Again and again, someone would begin by listing his achievements— the companies, the festivals, the awards—and then quickly move past them, as if the real legacy lived elsewhere. What they wanted to talk about was how he made them braver. How he made the work feel joyful. How he treated art not as some- thing precious to protect, but as something meant to be shared. Sitting there, I realized how dif- ferently he had measured life. Where I had once focused on urgency and output—the grants secured, the seasons saved, the budgets balanced—he had fo- cused on beginning. On inviting people into the process. On mak- ing room for imagination, even when the outcome wasn’t guar- anteed. His life wasn’t remem-

bered as a list of accomplish- ments, but as a series of moments that set other lives in motion. In that way, his death didn’t feel like a full stop. It felt like a con- tinuation. The stories kept un- folding, one after another, each person carrying a piece of what he had given them—a willing- ness to try, a comfort with uncer- tainty, a belief that making some- thing was always worth the risk. Surrounded by bright col- ors and shared food, I began to understand how narrowly I had once defined importance. I had measured it in urgen- cy and productivity, in fund- ing secured and seasons saved. He had measured it differently, and in doing so, had built a life that continued to gather people together even after it ended.•

they faced fear with grace, we allow their values to keep moving through the world. The celebration continued, and I noticed how rarely anyone spoke about the day he died. Instead, they spoke about the days he lived. About the first re - hearsal held in a borrowed stu- dio with no money and no clear plan. About performances that almost didn’t happen because he decided to try something new at the last minute. About the way he welcomed dancers who were inexperienced but eager, convinced that curiosity mattered more than credentials. People laughed as they told these stories—not out of disrespect, but because being around him had felt light. Creating with

Winter 2026

Holding It T o g e t h e r , Not Just For Y o u r s e l f

by MARTIN image by ABBIE ROWE W hen death comes— whether suddenly or AYALA expectedly—our bodies and minds often perform an al- most inaudible negotiation. We curve, we bend, we steady ourselves. We hold it together. But why does composure so often arrive before tears?

Modern grief research shows that in moments of loss, the nervous system frequently shifts into a protective, task-fo- cused state. Stress hormones rise, emotional intensity tempo- rarily dulls, and the brain pri- oritizes function over feeling. Neuroscientist and grief re- searcher Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, whose work at the University of Arizona focus- es on the brain’s response to

loss, explains it simply in her 2022 book The Grieving Brain: “Grief is a form of learning — the brain has to slowly up- date its predictions about the world after someone is gone.” In the earliest moments of loss, the brain hasn’t caught up yet. It still expects the person to re- turn. That mismatch creates shock, numbness, and a strange clarity that allows people to

Candlelight Magazine

On the morning of November 25, 1963, Jacqueline Kennedy stepped into history carrying more than grief. She carried two children, shecarried a watchful nation, she carried the private wreck - age of losing a husband in a way no one should have to witness. And she carried herself. Black veil drawn, posture straigh, face composed into something that resembled steadiness. Not because she was. Because someone had to be. Strength is often misunderstood as brav - ery or resolve. But sometimes it is simply the ability to keep moving when everything inside you has stopped. Kennedy’s composure that day was not the absence of sorrow. It was sorrow care- f u l l y contained, f o r a m o m e n t t h a t demanded more of her than she had to give.

And yet she gave it. Not because she was unbroken.

But because love, even in grief, still shows u p . 9 Winter 2026

sion is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, phys- ical illness, and what clinicians call prolonged or complicated grief. In other words: holding it togeth- er forever asks the body to carry what the heart was meant to release. Psychologist George Bonanno of Columbia Univer- sity, one of the world’s leading grief researchers, has spent de- cades studying how people adapt to loss. His research shows that resilience is common, but it doesn’t come from emotional numbness. Dr. Rather, he notes that healthy grieving often includes flexi - bility: moments of strength, moments of sorrow, and the ability to move between them. Strength isn’t constant compo- sure. It’s emotional movement.

perform—to plan, to parent, to proceed through rituals. Holding it together isn’t denial: it’s the brain buying time. There’s another layer, too: humans are wired to regu- late one another emotionally. When someone we love is dis- tressed—especially children —our nervous systems instinc- tively move toward stabilizing them. Psychologists call this co-regulation: one person’s calm helping another’s system settle. In grief, this often means parents, partners, and caretakers uncon- sciously suppress their own emo- tional flood so others can feel safe. It’s why so many people say: “I couldn’t fall apart— my kids needed me.” “I had to be strong for my family.” “There wasn’t room for my grief yet.” This impulse is deep- ly human. It isn’t weak- ness or emotional avoidance. It’s love in emergency mode. But what happens when strength becomes a burden? Short-term composure can be protective. It allows us to make decisions, care for others, move through rituals, and func- tion when reality feels unreal But research consistently shows that grief pushed down in- definitely doesn’t disappear.

It’s

worth

repeating:

Strength isn’t c o n s t a n t

composure.

I t ’ s emotional

m o v e m e n t .

This is tricky, because culturally in the U.S., we reward neat grief. We praise those who “han- dle it well.” We grow uncom- fortable when sorrow lingers. We encourage people to

It relocates.

Long-term emotional suppres-

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move quickly. Even when well-intentioned, this can quietly teach griev- ers that sadness is something to manage away—rather than something to move through. forward Modern psychology increasingly emphasizes that mourning is not a prob- lem to solve. It is a process of integration—learning to live in a world permanent- ly changed by love and loss. grief The goal isn’t to stop hurting. The goal is to make room for the pain to soften over time.

Ma k e

s p a c e

f o r

r e l e a s e .

Grief expres- sion in some form: tears, words, silence, memory. needs

This doesn’t have to be con- stant or public. But it does need somewhere safe to land. Even small rituals—journal- ing, walking, sitting with pho- tographs, talking with one trusted person—help the brain process loss instead of storing it. Let grief be manageable y e t v i s i b l e .

—

So how do we care for children, partners, and families while still honoring our own grief? Research (and the lived ex- perience of mourners) points to a few gentle truths:

For parents especially, showing gentle sadness teaches children that emotions are survivable. You don’t need to col- lapse in front of them. But you can say, “I’m sad to- day because I miss them.”

This models honesty, not fear.

A c c e p t

w i t h o u t

h e l p

a p o l o g y .

Social support remains one of the strongest predictors of healthy grief adaptation.

Not ing.

advice.

Not

fix -

Simply

presence.

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DURING YOUR GRIEF, CONSIDER REFLECTING:

When have you felt the need t o stay strong for others?

Where in your life feels s a f e e n o u g h to let grief show?

Wh o l i s t e n s without try - i n g t o f i x y o u r p a i n ?

What small space could you create this week to feel what you’ve been carrying?

The image of composure—the steady widow, the capable par- ent, the reliable caretaker—is powerful because it reflects some - thing real: our capacity to love others even while breaking inside. But strength is not the absence of sorrow. Strength is allowing grief to arrive when it needs to. Strength is asking for help. Strength is crying in safe spaces.

Strength is continuing to love in a world that now hurts. togeth- er in the early days of loss is not a failure to grieve. It is the body protect- ing what matters most. Healing begins when you al- low yourself—slowly, gen- tly—to loosen that grip.• Holding yourself

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remembering your loved one— beyond the circumstances of thier death

Candlelight Magazine

by ELIZABETH CAMPBELL| design by SARAH LANE

Winter 2026

I n the weeks after someone dies, memory often behaves strange- ly. It does not roam freely through a life. It circles a single point.

to the ending, as if that moment contains some answer. Grief, at first, is not expansive. It narrows. Many people quietly fear this narrowing will last forever. That their loved one will slowly be- come synonymous with how they died, rather than how they lived. That the illness or tragedy will eclipse the relationship itself. Psychologists say this ear- ly fixation is not a failure of remembrance. It is how

the brain processes shock.

Grief researchers have long ob- served that emotionally intense experiences are encoded more powerfully than everyday life. The mind gravitates toward the moment of rupture—the point where reality changed. Early grief often organizes itself around the loss event itself before gradually expanding to include the broad- er narrative of the relationship.

The hospital room. The accident. The phone call.

The moment the world split into before and after. Even when a person lived fully— with habits and humor and con- tradictions and years of shared life—the mind keeps returning

But when memory stays there too

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“Grief begins by collapsing a story into a single chapter. Healing slowly restores the whole book.”

“The circumstances of death may always be part of the story. But they do not have to be the whole story.”

it cannot yet absorb. Over time, healing tends to involve a gradu- al widening of memory, allowing other moments of the relation- ship to return alongside the loss. This shift does not erase sorrow. But it does change its shape. As the nervous system begins to settle, the hospital room is still there, but it is no longer the only image available. Other moments resurface, sometimes quietly, sometimes all at once. A laugh heard in a stranger’s voice. A habit repeated without thinking. A phrase that only one person

long, something else happens. The ending begins to swallow the life. Many mourners describe how conversations about their loved one slowly shift. People ask how they died, not who they were. The illness becomes the dom- inant narrative. The tragedy becomes the defining feature. Over time, even the bereaved themselves find it harder to access earlier memories—va- cations, arguments, routines, laughter—as though those mo- ments belong to another lifetime.

Clinicians who work with grief often see this pattern when death was sudden or traumatic. The nervous system remains anchored in the moment of danger. Mem- ory organizes itself around pain. Psychiatrist Katherine Shear, whose research focuses on pro- longed grief, has noted that early bereavement frequently involves intrusive focus on the circum- stances of death. This, she notes, is a sign not of weakness, but of a mind trying to integrate a reality

Winter 2026

“Over time, healing tends to involve a gradual widening of memory, allowing other moments of the relationship to return alongside the loss.”

first! Some mourners describe guilt when they catch themselves smiling at an old story, as though remembering joy diminishes the seriousness of the loss. But psychologically, the opposite is true. Allowing warmth back into memory does not dishonor grief. It honors the fullness of the bond.

ever used. People who are able to remember love alongside loss often find that grief becomes less consuming. The sadness re- mains real, but it is no longer the sole carrier of the relationship. What emerges instead is some- thing closer to a living memory. This broadening often happens naturally, but for many people (particularly when death was difficult) it takes patience. Not forcing cheerfulness. Not push- ing pain away. Simply allowing space for the relationship to ex- ist in memory beyond its ending. And it can feel almost disloyal at

A life is larger than its ending.

ers. That is part of love con- tinuing to register absence. But over time, for many people, the sharpness softens. The mind becomes capable of moving through memories rather than getting stuck inside one. The re- lationship starts to feel present in new ways, not only through pain, but through meaning. The circumstances of death may always be part of the story. But they do not have to be the whole story.•

The circumstances of death mat- ter. They deserve care and ten- derness. But they are not the to- tality of a person’s existence. No one is only their final moment. Grief begins by collapsing a sto- ry into a single chapter. Healing slowly restores the whole book. There will always be moments when the final day rises sharp - ly into focus—anniversaries, quiet nights, sudden remind-

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Bringing the Memory Back Many people find healing in widening memory, allowing the life itself to come back into focus. These small steps can help begin that shift.

START MOMENTS. Not milestones. Not big celebrations. Think about everyday scenes: how they drank their coffee, the way they laughed, what they always forgot to do. The brain often accesses safety and connection more easi- ly through routine memories than dramatic ones. TELL ONE STORY OUT LOUD. WITH ORDINARY Choose a small moment and share it with someone you trust. Speaking memories helps move them from painful replay into lived narrative — a key part of how the mind processes loss. USE A SENSORY ANCHOR. Smell, music, texture, and place often unlock memories more gently than photographs. A favorite song, recipe, or location can invite the person back into memory without forcing it. WRITE WITHOUT EDITING. Set a timer for five minutes and write anything that comes — mem - ories, feelings, fragments. Don’t shape it. Don’t reread it. This allows memory to surface naturally instead of being controlled. LET JOY EXIST BESIDE GRIEF. If a warm memory brings a smile (even briefly) allow it. This isn’t mini - mizing loss. It’s letting the relationship breathe again. Notice when the ending takes over. When thoughts return to the final moments, gently invite another memory in. Not to erase pain, just to widen the story.

Winter 2026

D E F I N I N G THE ART OF A “GOOD” D E A T H

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By CANDLELIGHT STAFF | Design by IVY YOUNG

Death of silencing conversations. has a way

It sits in the corners of our lives, whispered about but rarely invited into the light. For Katie Cosgrove, founder of the doula practice Grief is Good, this silence is something to challenge, not accept. As a trauma-informed care specialist, Death Doula, and grief coach, Cosgrove’s mission is to help people navigate the uncharted waters of loss with intention, grace, and even beauty. Through her work, she creates space for what so many fear: open conversations about grief, death, and the tender moments that surround both. Cosgrove’s practice, Grief is Good, offers a range of services to support individuals and families. She works as a grief coach, helping people embrace their grief as a natural and meaningful part of life, guiding them toward creating new memories with loved ones who have passed. In this conversation, Cosgrove opens up about what it means to create a “good death,” the importance of healthy grieving, and how she helps others find light in their darkest moments.

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CANDLELIGHT MAGAZINE: What is a Death Doula and how do they support individuals and families? KATIE COSGROVE: A Death Doula—it’s also called, sometimes, an End of Life Dou- la—really is tailored to a family or a dying person’s emotional, spiritual, physical, and men- tal needs. Every case looks a little bit different, and every doula looks a little bit differ - ent. But across the board, dou- las are serving the purpose of helping a healthy transition. Doulas can be hired by the person who is dying themselves, or by the family. Sometimes we never actu- ally even meet the person who’s in transition. Sometimes we’re just there supporting the family. Overall, they’re just pro- viding a healthier space to have a good death and tran- sition in a positive way. CM: The idea of a “good” death is so unique and probably foreign to a lot of people. What, to you, is a “good” death? KC: For me, that means that somebody is able to peacefully transition in a way that they have no regrets. Whether that means denying treatment or living out as many treatments as they possibly can

dying when you come into someone’s family space?

and following all the steps. Each individual has different goals. And also in the emotional and spiritual realm; are they ful- filled? Have they said all the things to all of their people? Do they have any apologies to make? Or do they want any apologies? Making sure that they just feel lighter when they’re ready to go, and that they’re in a space where they feel at peace. For some people, that’s a hos- pital; for others, it’s their bed, or maybe an Airbnb on the coast of California. Whatever it looks like to that person. CM: While you are managing emotions, do you also find space to deal with lo - gistical challenges during the dying process? KC: Personally, as a Death Doula, I help with logistical planning. Is their will all set? Who is their healthcare proxy? Who’s their power of attorney? I make sure that all of those logistical pieces are there. Most End of Life Dou- las do that as well. Doulas I en- counter are helping answer those questions and making sure things are in order for the families. CM: How do you address fam- ily conflicts or differing views around death and

KC: That is probably the hardest part about being an End of Life Doula: managing fami- ly conflict around death and dying. It’s so sensitive, and it brings up a lot of fear in people. When we’re put into a corner, it’s fight-or-flight mode. People tend to get really reactive around someone dying. I talk to people individually about what’s really going on—what are they scared of? Expressing the fact that this is fear-based, whether it’s fear of losing somebody, fear of themselves dying, fear of what comes next, or fear of not spend- ing this time together properly. A lot of family conflict can be reduced by having those indi- vidual conversations with an outside source. I come back into the mix and say, “Okay, I’m not going to tell anyone what the others said, but I can feel the tension here. Let’s all take a deep breath and go around the room. Let’s share something we’re grateful for, or maybe a favorite memory with this per- son while they’re still here.” What often happens is the per- son who is dying picks up on these emotions. That, to me, is not a “good” death, because they leave this world wonder- ing what their family will be like when they pass. Even if the

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family tries to hide the conflict, people can pick up on things. The trickiest part is when fami- lies disagree about what should happen—whether it’s the dying person’s wishes or decisions by

the healthcare providers. That’s probably the most challenging scenario. But really, as a doula, you have to meet people where they are, not where you want them to be. You have to say, “What are your three basic goals? Can we agree on a compromise?” Some - times there’s not much you can fix, but some - times you can reduce reactivity and come up with an actionable plan. And then, in terms of processing something

traumatic in the moment, my biggest piece of ad- vice is to give yourself grace. That’s the most important thing. You’re always going to feel like you’re not doing things right, or that you’re not feeling enough, or that you’re feeling too much. Everyone experiences grief dif- ferently—even from loss to loss. Every loss I’ve ever had has been a different type of grief for me. So just knowing that grief is unique to everyone, and that

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you’re not on a timeline or checklist, can be really helpful. CM: I wonder if you ever see moments of beauty or connection during challenging times like this? KC: There are going to be mi- raculous moments that you can’t explain—mo- ments of pure love. For example, I had a situa- tion where the person dy- ing wasn’t doing well and didn’t have a good rela- tionship with the person who was actually my client. I tried and tried, but nothing worked. They were just bick-

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ering, and it was a really toxic sit- uation. Then one day, the person dying just reached over and they grabbed the hand of my client. They just held hands. They just held hands, and they both cried. Just allowing myself to be present but not try to control things is re- ally important as a doula. Those little moments and signs of love and beauty happen all the time. CM:

and find something very small to pull out of that and carry into your daily life. For example, my grandmother used to call every child and animal “bum.” It’s really small, but I’ve adopted it. Every single time I look at my dog, I say, “Hi, bum!” She just walks by, and she doesn’t know the difference, but I feel my grandmother is present for me. Even with my dog, who’s passed away, there’s stuff I do for her ev - ery day that makes me think about her. It doesn’t need to be anything grand like a life change, a career, or a huge gesture. You can vol- unteer once a year in honor of them, watch their favorite mov- ie, or listen to their favorite song. Those moments will still be hard sometimes, but they’ll also bring you so much

connection to that person.

That’s where my work really lives—helping people build those connections with people they’ve lost and keep that love alive. Story- telling, dreams, and legacy living can be really good tools for that. It helps us keep that space in our heart full. People tend to think of death as very finite— that the relationship is over, that everything is over, or that part of your identity is gone. But the more we keep that alive in our life, the more we can feel their presence around us—no matter what we believe. I’ve found that people really start to heal when they notice those little things and acknowledge them.•

Death is so difficult and complicated, but some - times there can be mo - ments you do want to carry with you.

KC: I think [a lot about] this idea of legacy living.

Take one loss, one relationship,

Winter 2026

1 ON INHERITANCE (and my mother )

By PAULA MARTINEZ Design by IVY YOUNG

Candlelight Magazine

I did not inherit any wealth or real estate, or property. Nothing legal. Nothing that needed signing.

What I inherited was her voice.

Same slightly nasal sound. Same louder-than-it-should-be laugh.

She used hers to crack jokes, tell dirty limericks, start trouble, end dinners late.

I use mine to talk out loud to my plants, to narrate the garden, to make the cats feel included, to fill the quiet when it gets too wide. When she died, the voice didn’t go with her. It stayed. In my throat. In my laugh. In the way I speak before I think.

I miss her. But when I open my mouth,

she’s still here— not as memory, but as sound.

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2 ON ADVICE (and my mother )

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My mother’s best advice was this:

Don’t trust someone with your heart if you wouldn’t trust them to water your plants.

(She was right about the big things.)

She is gone. I still think about it daily.

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3 ON VIOLETS (and my mother )

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There is something right about these flowers arriving early,

out-of-place in the cold, unbothered by propriety.

My mother was born in February (the month of restraint, apparently). Its flower is the violet:

If violets mean blooming before you learn better, then maybe they’ve got her right after all.

modest, innocent, shy— which is funny, honestly. She was brassy. She said what she thought.

They are now where I find her:

I see them and think of a woman who never pretended she was small, who died in debt but rich in stories, arguments, apologies, and humor.

She married four men and meant it each time. She could scorch a room with a look, then fill it again with laughter.

She was not modest. She was not careful. She was not tidy with love, or money, or the truth.

Violets turn up small, obedient— as if February’s trying to insist on good behavior.

And yet…

She was bright purple in dark winter, color before spring.

She was a violet February, whether it behaved or not.•

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E ddy’s was the neigh- borhood kitchen- ette and coffee shop in Richmond Hill, Queens in the 1970s where we lived. It was across the street from the Catholic school we attended, Our Lady of the Cenacle. Back when we went to school, there were

THANKS for the sip, JOEY.

no school buses for us, and the neighborhood kids all walked to and from school together. One of my friends who walked with us—let me call him Joey— would always go into Eddy’s after school and buy a Coke for the walk home. To- day a kid buy- ing a Coke is as ubiquitous as a kid on a com- puter, but in the

By JOHN SERGIO Image by LARRY D. MOORE

early 1970s, most kids I knew didn’t have the disposable income to be buying soda. Certain- ly, I didn’t. Joey would usually let me have a sip if I asked but on this one particular, hot, June day, I guess he wasn’t feeling so charitable.

“Why don’t you buy

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your own soda?” he asked. “I don’t have any mon- ey,” I responded. “Just tell your father that you want a soda every day and he can give you the money; then you don’t have to always be asking me.” I of course knew enough not to ask my mom or dad as they would never have given me mon- ey for something as unnecessary as soda. I would have had more of a chance asking the heav- ens to open and asking Jesus to do a fishes and loaves or water into wine type of trick. We may not have been poor, exactly, but we lived like we were. My par- ents were frugal. The refrain at dinnertime I remember hearing constantly was, “Seven Ways. It’s got to go seven ways.” This was a reference from my mother that there were seven of us and that the food needed to feed all of us, and not to eat more than one’s share. I remember be- ing hungry much of the time. But Joey was an only child. He always had money in his pock- ets and the best food brought-in at home—not just made by his mother. It’s through Joey that I first heard of take-out , which of course today everybody knows. But back then, it was an un- known concept to us. Fast food hamburgers, pizza, and Chi- nese food were delicacies which we kids only dreamed of. And he had the best of everything.

We kids were all pretty envious of Joey. He had Pro Keds sneak- ers—not like the dreaded and very ridiculed Skipps we had. He had a Schwinn 5-Speed Fast- back with the banana seat and stick shifter—not the hand-me- down, jerry-rigged, no-name bicycles we had. Joey was al- ways talking about what his fa- ther had bought him. His father was a cop and Joey told stories of his father’s exciting exploits that kept us all enthralled. While when our parents all had mun- dane jobs, his father seemed to be a superhero of sorts, involved in crime stopping and other he- roic excitements And though we heard that sometimes Joey got hit when he was bad, Joey sometimes did really bad things. Take, for example, when he set fire to “the Lots” (our name for the few acres of neglected city property at the end of the block) and the fire department had to be called. I once overheard one of my other friend’s moth- ers saying that he had the devil in him. This was the year “The Exorcist” had come out, though, of course, we hadn’t seen the movie. Not only were we too young but the Catholic Church had banned it—as my mother was happy to point out to me in the St. Anthony Mesenger mag- azine we used to get delivered. And so I stayed away from Joey for a whole week just in case his “condition” was contagious.

Here my story speeds by for twenty years or so. I moved away and lost touch with my Our Lady of the Cenacle community and friends—including Joey. I lost my faith and the Church. Things once so important to my every- day life faded into my long-ago childhood. Still, news does slow- ly make its way east to find me as an adult living on Long Island. I hear that Joey has had a real tough time as he got a little old- er. Bad decisions, a bad environ- ment—who knows what caus- es could have been the cause. I heard the news with great sad- ness that Joey had taken his own life. Rumors circulated that his dad had also died by suicide a few years earlier after he had got- ten caught taking kickbacks and someone had snitched on him. Since that time, I have known far too many people who have succumbed to suicide. I don’t judge, and I don’t pretend to know how tortured anyone’s life must be to make such a choice. But sometimes, when my mouth feels parched, I’m thankful to recall a more innocent me in a more innocent time — when, long ago, I was a thirsty child on a hot day, and the kind- ness of a friend allowing me a sip of his soda quenched my thirst. And today, I feel a wist- fulness for when life had not yet found a way to overwhelm.•

Winter 2026

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Как сказать правильные словаm ..... Come dire la cosa giusta 바른 말을 할까 ..... Como dizer a coisa certa ..... فيك لوقت ءيشلا حيحصلا ..... Cómo decir lo correcto . 正しいことをどう言うか . Comment dire la bonne an das Richtige sagt . Как сказать правильные словаm . Come dire la cosa giusta . 어떻게 올바른 말을 할까 . Como dizer a coisa certa . فيك لوقت ءيشلا decir lo correcto .. 正しいことをどう言うか .. Comment dire la bonne chose .. Wie man das Richtige sagt .. Как сказать правильные словаm .. Come dire How to Say the Right Thing 36 Candlelight Magazine азать правильные словаm .. Come dire la cosa 게 올바른 말을 할까 .. Como dizer a coisa certa

(And the Weight of Saying it Aloud) Talking about suicide has never been neutral. The words we use carry history, judgment, and fear— often before meaning ever arrives. Across media, institutions, and everyday conversation, language quietly determines what feels sayable and what does not, who feels seen and who retreats into silence.

By CAITLIN BREW | Design by IVY YOUNG

M ost of the time, I am at a loss for words. In the odd event I am in the position of public speaking, my hands are white-knuckled around a detailed and tight script that I stick to word for word because bullet points aren’t enough to clear away the brain static that is caused by any kind of congregation of people. Even writing this article, it took me days to muster up the courage to put pen to paper, fingertips to keyboard. I am a quiet person, careful not to misspeak for fear of not saying the right thing—or being able to say it in the right way. Suicide, especially, feels like a subject that de- mands absolute precision: a tender, delicate, and perfectly manicured grouping of words, phrases, and punctuation meant to capture the full essence and hardship of loss. Every time the topic comes up, I’m afraid that even the smallest misstep could shatter it. So, here I am. Writing because silence has not pro- tected anyone: not me, not the people I care about, and certainly not the people we lose. For Professor Emily Krebs, suicide was al- ways something of interest: something far away that was begging to be researched. She told me, “As a kid, I was allowed to watch pretty much whatever I wanted when it came to TV and movies. The only thing I remember being told I couldn’t watch was “Dead Poets Society” (1989), which ends

in a main character’s death by suicide.” I thought about that—how violence, sex, and even murder seemed permitted, but suicide marked the unspoken boundary. “It definite - ly set the tenor for my life in terms of con- versations about suicide being unwelcome.” That tenor is what led her to research and write about suicide and teach Health Com- munication at Fordham University. Krebs’ first publication on the topic of suicide was about Netflix’s 2017 show “13 Reasons Why.” “That show caught my eye because it centered suicide and was directed at teens. And it was riling people up,” Krebs said. “There was a lot of commotion surround- ing the show, so I was interested in what it was teaching viewers about the nature of suicidality and how we should address it.” I can recall exactly where I was when the show came out. I was in the 5th grade when it was released, and I locked myself in the basement to binge the entire series with my cousin over our spring break. It was my first time being exposed to suicide as an experience—not just a way to end a “Law & Order” episode. I remember all the noise around the show and how it was almost harder to find a person my age who hadn’t watched it rather than some- one who had. Teachers would hush our con- versations and say a show like that shouldn’t be talked about in a place for education.

Winter 2026

The beginnings of my relationship to sui- cide had been shaped through watching “13 Reasons Why,” and largely through other media. And because I have never lived inside the experience, I didn’t un- derstand how to comfort the people in my life who had. I had only been exposed to over dramatizations or demonization’s, narratives that turned suicide into spec-

all at once. On one side, she noted, social media, film, and television have “opened space for honest discussion, peer support, and mental health advo- cacy.” Campaigns, hashtags, and even certain TV shows have helped normalize phrases

tacle or warning rather than something human, complicated, and lived. So, I started to wonder what happens where stories meet real people, and where language be- gins to shape not just un- derstanding but action. That curiosity led me to Dr. Karen Stollznow, a linguist and researcher whose work examines the uneasy marriage be- tween language and cul- tural perception. Conve- niently for me, she has worked on the book “On the Offensive: Prejudice in Past and Present” which covers the impor- tance of inclusive lan- guage and mental health. Dr. Stollznow explained that media has become

like died by suicide (vs. committed sui- cide, as if moral judg- ment were part of the equation), offering people language that feels less accusatory and more compas- sionate—language that encourages some to seek help instead of hiding in silence. “On the other hand,” Dr. Stollznow said, “sensationalized por- trayals or problem- atic terminology can reinforce stigma, ro- manticize suicide, or trigger vulnerable viewers. These plat- forms amplify both awareness and risk.”

a contradictory force: expansive and constricting, supportive and dangerous,

Stories can illuminate, yes, but they can just as easily distort. A single graph- ic scene, a single poorly framed headline, can ripple into countless private aftershocks. “The language we see and hear in popular me- dia now plays a huge role in shaping how soci- ety understands and talks about suicide. Some-

Candlelight Magazine

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