sion is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, phys- ical illness, and what clinicians call prolonged or complicated grief. In other words: holding it togeth- er forever asks the body to carry what the heart was meant to release. Psychologist George Bonanno of Columbia Univer- sity, one of the world’s leading grief researchers, has spent de- cades studying how people adapt to loss. His research shows that resilience is common, but it doesn’t come from emotional numbness. Dr. Rather, he notes that healthy grieving often includes flexi - bility: moments of strength, moments of sorrow, and the ability to move between them. Strength isn’t constant compo- sure. It’s emotional movement.
perform—to plan, to parent, to proceed through rituals. Holding it together isn’t denial: it’s the brain buying time. There’s another layer, too: humans are wired to regu- late one another emotionally. When someone we love is dis- tressed—especially children —our nervous systems instinc- tively move toward stabilizing them. Psychologists call this co-regulation: one person’s calm helping another’s system settle. In grief, this often means parents, partners, and caretakers uncon- sciously suppress their own emo- tional flood so others can feel safe. It’s why so many people say: “I couldn’t fall apart— my kids needed me.” “I had to be strong for my family.” “There wasn’t room for my grief yet.” This impulse is deep- ly human. It isn’t weak- ness or emotional avoidance. It’s love in emergency mode. But what happens when strength becomes a burden? Short-term composure can be protective. It allows us to make decisions, care for others, move through rituals, and func- tion when reality feels unreal But research consistently shows that grief pushed down in- definitely doesn’t disappear.
It’s
worth
repeating:
Strength isn’t c o n s t a n t
composure.
I t ’ s emotional
m o v e m e n t .
This is tricky, because culturally in the U.S., we reward neat grief. We praise those who “han- dle it well.” We grow uncom- fortable when sorrow lingers. We encourage people to
It relocates.
Long-term emotional suppres-
Candlelight Magazine
10
Made with FlippingBook interactive PDF creator