CANDLELIGHT MAGAZINE: What is a Death Doula and how do they support individuals and families? KATIE COSGROVE: A Death Doula—it’s also called, sometimes, an End of Life Dou- la—really is tailored to a family or a dying person’s emotional, spiritual, physical, and men- tal needs. Every case looks a little bit different, and every doula looks a little bit differ - ent. But across the board, dou- las are serving the purpose of helping a healthy transition. Doulas can be hired by the person who is dying themselves, or by the family. Sometimes we never actu- ally even meet the person who’s in transition. Sometimes we’re just there supporting the family. Overall, they’re just pro- viding a healthier space to have a good death and tran- sition in a positive way. CM: The idea of a “good” death is so unique and probably foreign to a lot of people. What, to you, is a “good” death? KC: For me, that means that somebody is able to peacefully transition in a way that they have no regrets. Whether that means denying treatment or living out as many treatments as they possibly can
dying when you come into someone’s family space?
and following all the steps. Each individual has different goals. And also in the emotional and spiritual realm; are they ful- filled? Have they said all the things to all of their people? Do they have any apologies to make? Or do they want any apologies? Making sure that they just feel lighter when they’re ready to go, and that they’re in a space where they feel at peace. For some people, that’s a hos- pital; for others, it’s their bed, or maybe an Airbnb on the coast of California. Whatever it looks like to that person. CM: While you are managing emotions, do you also find space to deal with lo - gistical challenges during the dying process? KC: Personally, as a Death Doula, I help with logistical planning. Is their will all set? Who is their healthcare proxy? Who’s their power of attorney? I make sure that all of those logistical pieces are there. Most End of Life Dou- las do that as well. Doulas I en- counter are helping answer those questions and making sure things are in order for the families. CM: How do you address fam- ily conflicts or differing views around death and
KC: That is probably the hardest part about being an End of Life Doula: managing fami- ly conflict around death and dying. It’s so sensitive, and it brings up a lot of fear in people. When we’re put into a corner, it’s fight-or-flight mode. People tend to get really reactive around someone dying. I talk to people individually about what’s really going on—what are they scared of? Expressing the fact that this is fear-based, whether it’s fear of losing somebody, fear of themselves dying, fear of what comes next, or fear of not spend- ing this time together properly. A lot of family conflict can be reduced by having those indi- vidual conversations with an outside source. I come back into the mix and say, “Okay, I’m not going to tell anyone what the others said, but I can feel the tension here. Let’s all take a deep breath and go around the room. Let’s share something we’re grateful for, or maybe a favorite memory with this per- son while they’re still here.” What often happens is the per- son who is dying picks up on these emotions. That, to me, is not a “good” death, because they leave this world wonder- ing what their family will be like when they pass. Even if the
Candlelight Magazine
24
Made with FlippingBook interactive PDF creator