Dear Barely Holding On,
This was so hard to read because I think it shows so much of the stigma of grief that we car- ry. However, this is the time to let it go and be around others who are collectively grieving this loss with you. You don’t need to hold it together. Funerals are for the living—to be able to collec- tively grieve the loved one you have lost—and you are modeling such an important life skill right now: to feel, to be present, and to be vulnerable.
So change your expectations.
I would suggest talking with your family ahead of time. Where will you be needing to host, greet, etc.? When are the times where maybe you can have a private moment, and where will that be? Is that in the bathroom? In a car? Outside? How can you communicate that to the other family mem- bers or folks who are organizing this? Because you’re not going to be holding it all together— and honestly, it’s not healthy to hold it all together. And your daughter is experiencing similar, if not the same, emotions—perhaps while look- ing to you. She’s noticing, “Oh, Mom is struggling, and so maybe it’s safe for me to be vulnerable here, too. You’re teaching such valuable skills: We can do this together. We can lean on each other. It’s safe to do that.
Dear Candlelight, A close family member’s funeral is in two days, and I’m already falling apart. I had a full-blown panic attack today—numbness, detachment, spi - raling thoughts. I’m scared I won’t be able to hold it together during the service. I want to be strong for my daughter, my mom, and my sis- ter—but I feel completely hollow. My daughter even looked at me today with concern, like she could sense everything I was feeling. The guilt is crushing. How do people survive fu - nerals when they already feel broken? — Barely Holding On
You don’t have to fix it all up.
You don’t have to be perfect, because it’s not. It’s going to be messy, especially as you’re working through these early stages of grief. Be honest about the elephant in the room. Hold space for that, and use it as an opportunity to check in with her as well—saying, “You know, Mom’s feeling a lot of emotion. I’m curious how you’ve been doing.”
Winter 2026
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