Dear Heartbroken and Unsure,
When you go through grief, there’s often this rip- ple effect of feeling stuck in paralysis. You feel like your life has stopped, while everybody else is moving on. It’s common to feel like you’re not getting the connection or support you need. A lot of the time, this doesn’t just come from generalized stigma or avoidance around grief. It may not necessarily be that your friend is trying to distance herself—it could be that she doesn’t know what to say, or she’s afraid of making it worse. Often, that fear leads people to take a step back, when what you actually need is for them to step in and say, “How can I support you?” You mentioned this is a best friend—a long-term relationship. If that’s the case, you may want to be more direct. Something like: “I’ve noticed you’ve taken a step back, and I’ve been in a re- ally hard place. These are the types of support I need.” I would encourage you to be very specific. If you still feel a lack of support after that, then it may be time to reassess and set a boundary. But this sounds like a meaningful enough rela- tionship to try giving your friend some direc- tion. She may simply be unsure how to proceed. Connection is such a big part of the grief recovery process. Part of this is finding your people—your tribe. It sounds like you’re trying to determine wheth- er this person can be part of that. If so, she may just need guidance. And if she’s receptive, that feedback could actually strengthen the friendship long-term. You also have to consider how much energy you can give to this relationship right now, knowing how much of your energy is already going into grief and heal- ing. There’s nothing wrong with finding additional support—through groups, therapy, or other peo- ple you can grieve with collectively and vulnerably. It doesn’t mean you have to cut your friend off; it just means assessing how much you have to give to that dynamic right now.
Dear Candlelight, My mother died this past Fri- day. I texted my best friend of 14 years to tell her—and all she did was “like” the message. No call. No response. Nothing. Now I feel like I’ve lost two of the most important people in my life at once. I can’t stop wondering: Is this what friendship looks like during grief? Am I expecting too much? I don’t know if I should confront her, let it go, or walk away. How do you move forward when loss makes everything feel different? — Heartbroken and Unsure
Candlelight Magazine
46
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