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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Opinion
By BASIL T. WILBURFORCE Have you heard this hogwash about Tik Tok? at our great and noble statesman plan to dismantle it limb from limb? How doest they even consider such atrocities? Wherest will I show o my illustrious gyat? Wherest will I demonstrate my intense rizz if the cellular telephone application be banished? How darest these simps mess with the most sacred of our rituals, the very foundation of our collective mental health? Is it so easy for a couple of jits with an absolutely elementary grasp of reality and no followers, to tell us who and who we can’t watch cooking ne entrees out in the woods, or turning their faces into those of squirrels? What willst I do if it goes away? How will I proceed with living? Is there anything else? Every morning presents a new chance to scroll, post and live stream. Upon rousing from my repose, a brisk ablution serves to invigorate the senses, preparing me for the rigors of the day ahead. Attired in garments be tting my station--slingshot leotard with nips bursting forth and my gyat rmly angled in the beams of light from behind the curtains--my ritual is to smake vaporizing contraptions with my followers. en I ven- ture forth, mind numbed, into the teeming thoroughfares, where a symphony of sights and sounds unfolds at every turn of my sel e stick. Or at least, that was the old me. Ah, well, imagine this man of the city, brimming with intellect and sophistication, endeavoring to carve out a new existence amidst the rustic charm of the countryside in this godforsaken century. Yes, it is I, the epitome of urban re nement, daring to ven- ture where few of my ilk care to tread, into the verdant embrace of agrarian pursuits. How willst I demon- strate my Rizz now if Tik Tok be Banned?
But who will watch me dab in the elds? Who will peek at me in my thong, vaping riverside, getting zooted with the fauna, as I demonstrate my headstrong freeness? Who shall check out my latest drip from the DabberHasher? Who will lol and share, as I slay the videos of the posers and stans out there? Who will watch me make goat cheese from absolute scratch, starting with the disagreeable task of milking the goat? Why wouldst I, attempting a daily existence amidst the clamor and commerce of human- ity beyond my perch, do any of these things other than to brand myself into celebritá? Speaking of which, have you subscribed ? More in need of a vibe check than ever, we must rally against this, good people. We need this dystopian, digital psychological poison more than anything. But how willst we win this war? We may need a bussin’ video set to a grand old concerto that re- ally slaps, to grip the public and inspire a backlash, in order to completely own these damned weasels. Gone are the days of tailored suits and polished shoes; let us bob as if engaged in sticu s, and let the bubble words argue for us as we dance. We need views. We need, my friends, followers.
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