Vol 11. Edition 3
News from CannaTown
Page 11
Scientists discover Bertha outside known universe
Scientists probing the mysteries of deep space have nally determined what lurks beyond the edges of the universe. Out in the cosmos, surpassing the outer limits of expanding space that governs all physics and the three-dimensional existence we share, sits what appears to be a colossal, conjoined Grandma-pair, “Bertha” or “Berthas” as she’s becoming known, who appears to be sitting in a giant rocking chair, calmly knitting for the most part, but sometimes dozing o , or having arguments between herselves about the knitting. “We’re not sure about the signi cance of the knitting, but it appears to have some im- pact on universal polarity, or even quantum entanglement,” said CannaTown University physics professor Reshma Gupta. Likewise, some observed quantum behaviors that have long pointed to mysterious particles and an even deeper fabric lurking beyond dark mat- ter, may be not only explained by the pres- ence of the Grandmas, who are large enough to t billions upon billions of galaxies, but also, in that these strange behaviors may be governed by their indecision on yarn type and ongoing arguments over matching color.
“We can’t believe those total chodes Ein- stein and Hawking didn’t even account for the possibility of a conjoined octogenarian,” Gupta added. e Berthas do not seem to be dangerous or threatening in any way, according to eld experts, because they may not entirely be aware that anyone else exists. en again, some argue that what appears to be two grandmas attached at the hip, might not be that at all. One such theory suggests that we are seeing glimpses of an additional Grand- ma spilling in from a converging universe or dimension. e “one grandma” theory also suggests maybe the entities from other dimensions do things like "bake brownies." Gupta conceded the observed Berthas may be knitting the very fabric of space and time together, (“which, if true, would simplify things for all of us,” she said). e abrupt discovery juxtaposed upon a chasm of unanswered and deep questions, has resulted in a variety of profound e ects on spiritual and religious communities, with some rejecting the science outright. Others have embraced “Berthology,” and taken up knitting in rocking chairs.
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