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Dispatches from the Highlands
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Costco puts chocolate tickets in gold bars
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OTHER HEADLINES Coppola unveils ery land ll worth negative $65 million "Its the riskiest, shittiest thing anyone has ever done" pg 150 What you should know about moo goo gai pan pg 157 Ocean found beneath other ocean pg 166 Don't drink pure bird u pg 171 **Brought to you by Josie's Cauli ower Enchiladas** “No Good” Costco has announced a new marketing campaign likely to unite both gold-diggers and chocolate lovers alike: ey've hidden ve tickets among the current global inventory of their popular one-ounce gold bars, which retail for about $2000, to award ve lucky winners a chance to visit Colly Costco, the strange wizardess behind the bulk retailer, at the Castle Costington. e tickets, made purely from thin chocolate, are likely to “melt and smear” on the gold bar, and the company said that anyone who thinks their bar looks like it was dipped in a turd, might be a winner, and not to eat it. Many have speculated about what goes on inside the Castle, from rumors of ve-gallon jars of pickles growing on trees; to a waterfall and river made purely of hotdogs. Some also say the entire operation is worked by “Grumpy Lumpy’s” who re- sent and sneer at those who double-dip at the samples counter. Within hours, the rst ticket was found by a crypto bro who bought 10 bars on a whim; several other purchasers found actual fecal matter. But the world is abuzz and jumping at the exclusive chance to see where two-pound blocks of cream cheese and giant gunnysacks of co ee are magically created.
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