exhausting...
"When I'd try to persuade myself of the good things I was so lucky to have, my mind devoured itself - the fact that I couldn't seem to feel grateful was confirmation of what a shitty person I was. It was a toxic private life. I hoarded Valium and paid cash in pubs during the daytime so my husband couldn't see the 'cheeky' (as I sold it to myself) lunchtime wines or » » afternoon G&Ts. I was committed to seeming fine and normal. I definitely didn't mope. Instead, I insisted on a punishing schedule - work, gym, running, more work, socialising - made all the more grueling because of the sheer work my addiction was becoming. Being a new mum is f**king intense as it is: the entire terrain of your life is no longer recognisable. The first months were bleak. I was perched permanently on the precipice of completely losing it, knowing that tumbling off simply could not be an option: the baby needed feeding, changing, winding, rocking, soothing, everything. Everything. That's an exhausting existence. Being so very, very frightened all the time is exhausting. Having a shower is exhausting. Having a tiny, dark- eyed stranger clung to you as the hands spin around the clock and the days last forever is exhausting. Trying to pretend not only that you are fine, but happy, truly thrilled, and ecstatic, is exhausting."
Sophie White
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