WHAT MATTERS TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU? Speak My Language February 2019
Have you ever read “The Five Love Languages”? I learned about them early in my law practice, thanks to the amazing woman in my life, Ashley. This was when we were just dating, and I’d shared with Ashley that I wanted to get to know more marriage counselors in my field in order to match my clients with professionals who could save their marriages. Ashley suggested that reading “The Five Love Languages” might be a good way to connect with these folks. I picked it up and read it, and I was amazed at how the book went beyond being a common conversation starter to impacting every relationship in my life. Love languages aren’t only applicable to romantic love; they’re fundamental to learning what’s important to someone and what makes them feel special. Professionally, understanding this helped me better understand people’s motivations. In family law, so much of a case comes down to what motivates people and discovering what’s truly important to them. As I brought this knowledge into my work, it gave me a sense of what was most important to
my client in a divorce settlement. It helped us complete the process on fair terms and as soon as possible, which is my goal with each case.
In addition to helping me in my professional life, I also learned a lot about Ashley. I learned that for Ashley, acts of service are her first love language. I also learned about myself — I learned quality time is a big way that I experience love. We got to know each other better through our love languages. It was so insightful to sit back and analyze these important parts of who we are before we got married. I think any couple can benefit from learning about their love languages. Even if you already have a great relationship, it’s only going to make it better. Since reading the book, I’ve become more aware of what makes someone else feel loved. Within our family, Ashley’s parents and I have similar primary love languages. Quality time is how we express and experience love, so the greatest gift we can ever give them, especially when it comes to their grandkids, is to spend time with them. It’s incredible how much it opens up the relationships in your life when you find out what’s important to the people who are important to you. One of the early dates Ashley and I went on was close to Valentine’s Day. I invited Ashley over to my house for a sushi-making date. Neither of us had ever made our own sushi before, and truth be told, our rolls ended up more like sushi burritos. It gave us plenty to laugh about, and it also set a tradition for us of getting sushi for Valentine’s Day. Now that we have two little ones, it’s not as easy to go out on a date, but we’ll keep the tradition going this year by ordering in for sushi and enjoying a nice evening with our family. I know Valentine’s Day can be challenging when you’re not in a positive place in your relationship. It’s why I created the website StayMarriedFlorida.com, as a free resource to help couples strengthen their relationships. There are articles and links to marriage counselors and other mental health professionals in the South Florida area. I hope you and your loved ones find it helpful.
Here’s to appreciating — and being appreciated by — the loving people in our lives, in whatever language speaks to us.
– Chris Bruce
Russell & Ruby love to swing!
(561) 810-0170 • 1
The 5 Love Languages Get Put to the Test
Stephanie and her husband have a “pretty good” marriage, as she describes it, but like most, she knew there was room for improvement. So they decided to tap into Gary Chapman’s famous advice and put his “Five Love Languages” to the test over seven days. They started with Chapman’s instruction to engage in careful observation of your partner and yourself. “You need to ask ‘What’s most important to me?’ and ‘What does my spouse seem to request most often in the relationship?’” Chapman says. This extends to listening to your partner’s criticisms — are they frustrated that you don’t spend enough time together? Their love language might be quality time. Next, they took Dr. Chapman’s test to determine their primary languages. Turns out they share the primary love language of quality time. While the other four — words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch — are important to them, quality time is the one that speaks loudest as their expression of love. Once they knew their primary love language, it was time for the real challenge: with work, kids, and all the other duties life carries, how could they fit more quality time together into their days? Chapman isn’t one to accept excuses. “If we understand the importance of keeping the love alive in a relationship, then we need to make time to do it,” he says. So Stephanie and her husband made time for a farmers market date, followed the next night by hiring a babysitter so they could go out for a glass of wine. Soon, they realized quality time didn’t need to be a ritzy date. One night after their kids went to bed, they simply turned off the TV and talked. “Being able to focus on each other brought back feelings and emotions that hadn’t surfaced since the early days of our relationship, before children. We opened up to each other in a way we hadn’t done in years,” Stephanie said. Chapman acknowledges that the Five Love Languages won’t solve every issue in a marriage. He sees it more as a tool to “help you enhance the relationship, and particularly the emotional part.” For at least one couple, the tool seems to be serving its purpose for strengthening relationships.
GAMING WITH YOUR KIDS
WHY YOU SHOULD PICK UP THAT CONTROLLER
Video games are present in an increasing number of American households. The Entertainment Software Association found that in 2018, 70 percent of parents reported that games were a positive activity in their children’s lives, and 67 percent even play alongside their child at least once a week. Some of you may already be regularly gaming with your kids, but for the rest of you, here are some things to keep in mind. WHY GAMING TOGETHER MATTERS Studies from the University of Pennsylvania, Harvard, and UC Berkeley have shown that video games can have many positive effects on a child, from encouraging critical thinking and social skills to imparting the value of perseverance. Beyond these life skills, video games can also be a way for you to better connect with your child. As game designer and New York Times bestselling author Jane McGonigal, Ph.D., writes, “Games make it easy to build stronger social bonds with our friends and family. Studies show that we like and trust someone better after we play a game with them — even if they beat us.” FIND THE RIGHT GAME Finding the right game to play with your child can be a challenge. Regardless of what platform your child plays on, there’s a nearly inexhaustible list of games to choose from, and some are more child-friendly than others. At the very least, research the Entertainment Software Rating Board’s (ESRB) rating of a game to make sure its content is age-appropriate. When choosing a game, it’s a good idea to keep your child’s interests in mind. Do they enjoy creating things? Games like Minecraft, Super Mario Maker, and Scribblenauts Remix can act as a great sandbox for you and your child’s imaginations to run wild. Does your child love to solve puzzles? Snail Bob 2, Snipperclips, and Portal 2 will have you and your child thinking outside the box for hours. Want to engage in a little friendly competition? Mario Kart, FIFA, and Bam Fu are all excellent choices. GOING BEYOND SCREEN TIME Whether you pick up a controller yourself or just watch your children play games, the most supportive thing you can do as a parent is reinforce the skills they are learning. Understanding that the same creativity and determination that gets them to the end of a level can be applied in the real world is be a powerful thing for a child’s development.
Is your friend or client in need of a guide as they prepare for divorce? our divorce strategy book can help! The book can be downloaded for FREE at www.controlyourdifficultdivorce.com If your friend or client lives in the South Florida area, we will mail them a hard copy of the book upon request.
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When Love Hurts STOP THE CYCLE OF ABUSE
love or loved. Leaving an abuser requires immense courage, but it also demands that you endure the intense pain of a breakup. Many victims also hold on to the hope that their abusers will change, and while this isn’t impossible, false hope of change isn’t a good reason to stay with an abuser. Many victims point to the ability of the abuser to be kind, loving, and gentle as evidence that they don’t really “mean” the mistreatment. The truth is that this behavior is a classic sign of abuse. Most experts on domestic violence argue that there are three distinct phases to the behavior: the instance of physical abuse, a honeymoon period during which the abuser will do anything to get the victim to stay, and a tension-building period that follows and ends with another instance of abuse. Then the cycle continues. Domestic violence is not inevitable. There is not an abuser gene, and even the angriest of people can control themselves. This means that, theoretically, a domestic abuser can change. The real question is whether or not they will. For the safety of victims of domestic violence, it’s necessary to leave the abuser until they’re ready to change. If you or a loved one are currently being abused, don’t waste time debating whether the abuser can change. Get help immediately by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
The National Domestic Violence 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) • 1.800.787.3224 (TTY) HOTLINE
This season may be all about love, but for victims in an abusive relationship, abuse knows no season. The sad reality is that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience domestic violence during their lifetimes. Despite its stigma, domestic abuse is depressingly common.
What’s often left out of the dialogue about domestic abuse is that domestic abusers aren’t just monsters their partners end up with — they’re people whom the victims
have a LAUGH
Spicy Salmon Tartare
ingredients
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1 8-ounce boneless, skinless salmon fillet
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1 1/2 teaspoons fresh cilantro, minced 1 1/2 teaspoons fresh chives, minced
1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
1/4 teaspoon lime zest
1 1/2 teaspoons grapeseed or vegetable oil
1/4 cup cucumber, seeded and finely diced 1 1/2 teaspoons jalapeno peppers, seeded and minced 1 1/2 teaspoons shallots, minced 3/4 teaspoon fresh ginger, peeled and finely grated
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Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
Crackers or chips, for serving
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Directions
Inspired by Epicurious 1. Place salmon in freezer for 20 minutes to make slicing easier. 2. Meanwhile, prepare other ingredients for mixing. 3. Thinly slice salmon into sheets and cut sheets into strips and strips into cubes. When finished, you should have 1/8-inch cubes. 4. In a mixing bowl, combine salmon with all other ingredients. Season with salt and pepper. 5. Garnish with chips or crackers and serve. (561) 810-0170 • 3
PRST STD US POSTAGE PAID BOISE, ID PERMIT 411
1601 Forum Pl. Ste. 1101 West Palm Beach, FL 33401
Discovering the Love Languages page 1
Why Parents Should Play Video Games
A Case Study of the Five Love Languages page 2
Can an Abusive Partner Change? page 3
Let’s Retire These Health Myths page 4
The 5-Second Rule Will Make You Sick 3 HEALTH MYTHS YOU PROBABLY BELIEVE
CRACKING YOUR KNUCKLES CAUSES ARTHRITIS The connection between knuckle-cracking and arthritis came from studies where participants self-reported their habits. Modern medical research has shown these results to be false. The official stance from the John Hopkins Arthritis Center states, “There is no evidence that cracking knuckles causes any damage such as arthritis in the joints.” Still, chronic knuckle-cracking can lead to reduced grip strength, so you might want to break the habit anyway.
We live in the golden age of information. The answers to many of life’s questions are just an internet search away. Despite this readily available wisdom, we still have a bad habit of believing health-related myths. Here are three popular health “facts” that are total works of fiction. THE 5-SECOND RULE KEEPS FOOD SAFE Obviously germs and bacteria don’t really wait five seconds to pounce, but snatching your chip off the floor fast keeps most of the germs away, right? Not according to a 2006 study published by Dr. Paul Dawson. He found conclusive evidence that when food comes into contact with a contaminated surface, bacteria are transferred immediately. Even one second spent on tile, wood, or carpet is enough to infest your food with salmonella or another serious contaminant. BOTTLED WATER IS SAFER THAN TAP WATER People seeking out safer water alternatives increases the sales of bottled “spring water” each year. However, bottled water is more expensive, bad for the environment, and, as Dr. Morton Tavel of the Indiana University School of Medicine pointed out, over 50 percent of bottled water is just filtered tap water. The same effect can be achieved with a home filtration system. Of course, if the tap water in your area has been contaminated, bottled water is a safer alternative. However, in most circumstances, bottled water is no healthier than tap water.
You’ve probably heard these myths for years, but just because something is common knowledge doesn’t mean it is true. With information so easily available, always take the time to research the facts, especially when it comes to your health.
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