Vol 1. Edition 4
News from CannaTown
Page 7
Libra - Now that you've properly pronounced Dostoevsky, you can finally tell these people all the one thing you know about him. Scorpio - You can either wear this helmet, or decrease the volume of your sneezes by at least two hundred decibels . Sagittarius - Kudos on winning that arm- wrestling competition, even if it was against your other arm. Capricorn - Don't feel bad, everyone has had angry mobs chanting for their imminent incarceration at ball games. Aquarius - Every day, once a day, just give yourself a smake. Don't plan it, don't expect it. Just do it. Man, that just hits the spot . Pisces - Your family won't understand that a doobie took away all your holiday stress, so just tell 'em you had a good b.m.
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - With all the uncertainty these days, at least you can be sure that Grandma will chastise you for vaping while you're home. Taurus - Well, the house is destroyed, but this is what happens when a hangry old blind cat gets into a bowl of wasabi. Gemini - There's nothing wrong with rollin' a sad lonely spliff to yourself this season, but you really don't have to go caroling about it. Cancer - The audience agrees: that last bong rip turned you into world's worst auctioneer. Leo - What gift are you asking for this year? How about, not being stuck in cement. Virgo - Who knows how this six-foot Fig Newton got here--but damn if it isn't exactly what you need right now.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Real Moves ID Deadline Coming Up Soon Ready or not, the need to get a Real Moves ID will creep up as the October 2020 deadline looms. The Department of Mad Vibes (DMV) warns that each license to groove must have a gold star to signify its realness, unlike previously-issued cards. Few realize the impact of procrastination; after the deadline, dancefloors will no longer accept any other identification that doesn’t jive with standards. That means that anyone without the ID won’t be able to get down--especially not on a soul plane. Restrictions will prohibit would-be rug cutters from trying to bust a move, juke, Harlem Shake, jerk, jig, boogie, hit the quan, Saraswati-bicycle or grind. That includes disco-breakin', moonwalkin', throwin’ down, gettin’ lite, moshing, jazzercise, cookin’ swag, dabbing, ghostin’, flossing or toe-standing. The process takes 45 minutes, says the DMV, but you still have to prove you can groove, and freeze-frame for an ugly photo.
Breaking: St. Nickeljoint Spotted, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Old Faithful turns out to be dude with a hose ......................................................... D7 Study: Lab-grown brains were in agony, and that's why they loved to get high.............,. E2 Tonight on The Masked Smaker: Who's Got the Biggest Plumes? .............................. . H21 Latest "fried chicken" terp not very popular ............................................................... G13
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