Confessions of a payroll manager - Time flies when you’re counting
Another anonymous episode revealing the world of payroll featuring payroll avatar, Penelope Fortham (‘Penny’), who is payroll manager at the nation’s favourite biscuit makers Crumbitt’s Confections. T he passing of time has felt different since the start of the pandemic. Half the time I’m not even sure what year it is, let alone the month or day. With my inability to hold dates, or any sense of time, in my head, it’s a blessing that I work in payroll which is punctuated with numerous points throughout the month to keep me grounded and ‘time aware’. My beloved Outlook calendar alarm went off a few weeks ago reminding me that it was my own twenty-year anniversary in payroll at Crumbitts! Who knew? (Well, not me, obviously!) The unexpected ‘bing’ of the Outlook reminder was somewhat discombobulating and sent me on a nostalgic journey. I was age 24 when I started at Crumbitt’s, and the workforce was so small then that they could bring their timesheets to me in person, and there was time for a chat with virtually all of them. Now, there are staff who I still haven’t got beyond a quick ‘Good morning!’ to as I rush to the office. Back in 2001 (when I still had dreams of marrying Keanu Reeves, and a mobile phone was still a relative luxury), veteran ‘Crumbitteers’ would tell me of their long service at the factory and I would be agog at the loyalty and commitment. When Jimmy Bond (payroll number 000007 – not even joking) told me he was in his 21st year at Crumbitt’s I remember thinking that I’d been three years old when he started and how crazy anyone could work anywhere for that long. The twenty years have gone like the
clappers, and I honestly wouldn’t want to work anywhere else. As a point of interest (and just to prove that I can handle figures, just not dates) I worked out that I’ve been at Crumbitt’s for 630 weekly payrolls (if you count the 53-week tax years). Which makes me feel simultaneously immensely proud but indecently ancient. As I had to be reminded of my work anniversary I absolutely didn’t expect anyone at Crumbitt’s to be even vaguely aware. However, I should’ve known not to underestimate my incredible team, nor the incomparable Mr Crumbitt. At 10am on my anniversary day, I was invited to a Zoom call with Mr Crumbitt called ‘Strategy Development Day – Ideas and Prep’. Usually this meant Mr Crumbitt had identified a new opportunity to cement his hold on the biscuit market and I was about to be either ‘wowed’ or repulsed by an inventive new take on a cookie or confection. Anyway, the call came through and there was the dear man looking all excited: “Morning Penny, you know at Crumbitt’s we are built on loyal customers and loyal staff. You didn’t think we wouldn’t mark twenty years of service without a huge thank you from all your friends at Crumbitts, did you?” And with that, hundreds of boxes with faces appeared on the call and there on my computer screen was pretty much every current Crumbitt’s employee and my very own team with their banners, balloons and party hats, grinning like loons. As I sat aghast and choking-back tears, a delivery of a bouquet of flowers and a box of Crumbitt’s Cookies arrived. For an hour we all reminisced with stories from the last twenty years (including a brief cameo from 65-year-old retiree Jimmy Bond
who popped in to shout “Congratulations old girl!” Although payroll always seems to be about looking forward, spending some time looking back was a delight. The random names of old colleagues, the happy memories of new arrivals, awards, and parties; and even the odd ‘nightmare moment’ like when the time and attendance machine stopped working for a week, which could be laughed about now but at the time had reduced the team to tears. Things I’d forgotten about entirely lived clearly in the memories of others: the P45 splitting machine slicing down the middle of the entire batch one week; the power outage that required three generators to get the payroll processed; and the visit of Craig Revel Horwood as part of the Come Dancing Cookie promotion. As everyone eventually left the call – albeit with my team lingering to deliver a much appreciated but hopelessly out of time and out of tune rendition of ‘For she’s a jolly good fellow’ – I was left in the relative quiet of my flat, reflecting that the last twenty years had flown past almost as quickly as the two-hour call to celebrate them. So much has happened in that time, and I’ve learnt so much including and especially the value of good colleagues who had actually become good friends. You have to savour the positive of every day; as my very first supervisor would say: “The days are long, but the years are short”. Bring on the next twenty years! o The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | May 2021 | Issue 70 48
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