Confessions of a payroll manager – Sidney gets a makeover
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful / inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. T he glow of winning our award was still shining brightly for me (and the rest of the team) two weeks later until it was suddenly dulled by an email arriving unexpected titled ‘System upgrade’. Upgrade?! It only seemed like five minutes since ‘Sidney’ (my affectionate name for our system) had been implemented. Despite the tears and tantrums its introduction to our working life had brought we’d all become very fond of it. We’d come to understand the strange quirks of the system and were confident using it. The words ‘new platform launch’ sent a shiver through me not unlike that feeling you get when you do a tiny slip at the top of wooden stairs when wearing socks: you catch yourself but you’re full of ‘yikes’. Before approaching the team about Sidney’s makeover, I decided to familiarise myself with what this ‘upgrade’ meant. ‘Upgrade’ is a funny word only previously attached to car trade-in or something that only happens to friends at random on BA flights and involves champagne and more leg-room and no stranger falling asleep on your shoulder. As I read through 120 (!) pages of release ‘notes’ I started to feel that the upgrade may well be doing the same thing: “improved customer experience”, “new game-changing technology for your staff”, “transitional employee journey module”. It all sounded a bit like a club
Med all-inclusive holiday booking including the Abba tribute band for evening entertainment. The notes became completely unfathomable about halfway through and I felt that my current level of education wasn’t going to be sufficient to decipher any of it. Feeling ‘standing-at-the-top-of-the-stairs-in- woolly-socks’ I had a brain wave and called over Tom under the guise of needing a hand with a tricky calculation. Thankfully my instinct was right; helping me pick out some key issues we produced a comprehensive bullet-pointed list to read to the team. Thus, equipped, I faced the team. I thought that I’d explained it pretty well but, even with a plate of Crumbitt’s chocolate and rhubarb crinkle creams to sweeten the deal, they all looked utterly unconvinced. Convinced or not, the upgrade had to happen and we would have to get used to a new Sidney. Systems were down for the whole morning while the upgrade was taking place. And as we sat there struggling to think of a anything we could do that wasn’t reliant on a computer (cup of tea anyone?) I realised how dependent we were on technology. Though I could just about remember using manual tax calculation tables there were others in the team who had never seen one. Time was ticking away – we’d done every bit of filing we could lay our hands on, I’d drunk more tea than my bladder could handle, and we’d discovered that the team are pretty good at keeping a synchronised rhythm tapping pens on desks ( Britain’s Got Talent anyone?!). However, even the excitement of discovering a new talent
wasn’t enough to stop us clock watching, and by 11.30am when the system should’ve been back up we were on the edge of our nerves. A couple of phone calls to IT went unanswered so I took it upon myself to venture to their office and see how things were going. I was almost put off by the poster on the door that stated all “Technophobes would be assimilated”. But as I had come armed with a plate of the last few crinkle creams I felt sure they’d make an exception for me. I was right. Turns out outsiders are welcome if they bring carb-laden, sugary snacks of any kind – take note. Duncan Feeder, head of IT and winner of the inter-office Angry Birds tournament 2014 (all according to a certificate pinned to his noticeboard), wolfed three of the biscuits before proclaiming the system was “ready to go” and that he was “just about to call” me. (Oh, really?) So, back in the office it was time to log in. Scouring the screens for signs of the “employee journey enhancement” we were simultaneously confused but also relieved when we found very little difference. As far as we were concerned Sidney was doing great before his makeover. They may have offered us the system equivalent of a Porsche but, quite frankly, at the end of the day we’re very happy in a safe and reliable Volvo. ❏ The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | July/August 2017 | Issue 32 56
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