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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Opinion
How Dare You Bastardize ese Rice Krispy Bars, Good Sir?
To the sniveling cumberworld who made Rice Krispies treats with that store bought jar of marshmallow cream, I say, how dare you good sir, how dare you? ese krispy bars aren’t
e Highest Authority Since 2009
Rutherford Jenkins
OTHER HEADLINES Nearly 11 in 10 Cannatowners have tried Cannabis Polls show overwhelming support for loading another bowl pg 150 Vaccines replaced with annual kick in ass pg 157 Scientists: Dolphins high as shit pg 166 Airspace full of chodes pg 171 **Brought to you by Floger's Co ee** “It's not Folger's. It's Floger's.” Surely you intend to set ablaze this heap of toxic guano you call dessert before I turn it to lubbering shite with my plumb hatchet. Your arsemongering will not go unrecorded--never again may you plague our lunch room with your Rice Krispies excreta nor any other baked ordure you may ever muster. gooey sticky -- they are gelatinous oozing puscles undeserving of human consumption. ey are undeserving of consumption by even the vilest of creatures on this godforsaken earth, mind you, and you’ve brought them into our place of employ? You’ve bescumbed us all! You low, low brash beast. You plucky peasant of miserable malfeasance. I spit at your feet, I throw rice at your mother. May you pay for such treason, may your jowls become aromatic as buttocks--and let the taste of this fowl toxicity forever haunt your restless nights as monstrous marshmallows chase you through endless nightmares. How, how could you have forgotten that those jars of weird goo exist purely for the purpose of eating spoonful a er spoon- ful of synthetic, marshmallow goodness until we are vomiting facedown in a sugar coma? How dare you break so far from such utilitarian balance? Did it not occur to you this was one thing-- one thing in this godforsaken age--upon which we can all agree? Oh my, you swinging sot of smellfungus. Begone, you sugar-spiting bastard, you bakery bu oon, you patisserie-patronizing puissance. You coprophagic wank of a fop- doodle. You fusty scobberlotcher of sweets, you whi -whaing stamp-crab of society, my contempt resounds between the churn- ing of my disappointed digestion.
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