Vol 12. Edition 5
News from CannaTown
Page 9
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - is week your revenge will be served as Blanquette de Veau, with a red Bordeaux and an authentic gâteau Basque. Taurus - On the bright side, your face scars will be a warning to anyone who Googles "Chinchilla CPR." Gemini - A wise person once said, the realest things are those we imagine when ripped. en he was killed by a time-travel- ing elf riding a space-unicorn. Cancer - e Ping Pong Ball Emporium showcased the most you'd ever seen in one place! But really it was just a bunch of balls. Leo - If your Uncle was here, he'd tell ya' to ght back. Get that y swatter and ght back. Virgo - Nobody’s going to even try your Pizza Water prototype unless you remove the pizza rst.
Libra - ere are times you wish you could go back and not pet the cat with rabies, but then you never would've met these cool EMT's. Scorpio - Nothing speaks to the depravity of your resin high like this homemade meal of dipped cheese slices in melted cheese. Sagittarius - You've already read 4 of 4 Cannascopes this month. Please login or subscribe to receive more fortunes. Capricorn - Apparently, ashmobs in soggy neon clown costumes puking all over your front porch and roses is a thing now. Aquarius - ere’s probably a better way to say this, but babcock nooner zzy-wizz, your armpits stink. Pisces - Everyone understands where you're coming from. But you can't citizen's arrest someone for packing shwag.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Public Broadcasting to be Replaced with Farts CannaTown ocials announced a new budget that drastically trims the city's already-poor public broadcasting group. e remaining $18 in funding will be spent on a "12-pack of large cans of refried beans" to will be consumed by Uma Prager, a beach-born hippie that believes raw hotdogs cause sunburn. Prager will "fart into a hot mic" for each show still broadcasting. "Some will be short putters, and some will be long deep blasts," she said in a preview. Critics say the long-form atulence lacks the true educational value that existed prior. Prager argues reducing history to prime instincts and bodily emissions has proven both ecient and popular with the juvenile demographic, who aren't so much into learn- ing as they are vibes. " e wet slaps of liberty form a curriculum at home that reinforces the standards our new city's administration is trying to produce,” said Prager, “you can almost smell the unbiased programming.”
City Library to be turned into "huge fort," Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Taco Bell apologizes for "inappropriate" Shiatsu Burrito .......................................... E5 Bag of cheeseballs not gonna eat itself ........ F6 Local leader cuts ties with scissors ........... G13 ese owers are dying ......................... G21 Macro dosing fav .................................... H1
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