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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Cannatown News
"Smart"HomeOwnersDecryStupidHomes
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As the annual Home Technology Convention approaches, some Cannatown owners of automatic homes or "smart" technology have warned their neighbors to avoid off-brands. One such line, the HelpyHouse system, combines appliances and entertainment services under the same type of platform, yet its white-labeled generic--and under-developed system--is essentially "stupid." Unlike smart homes, the stupid home acts somewhat stoned, and is prone to forgetting basic commands. Users reported hav- ing to guide the computer through basic tasks, such as which but- tons to use, or how to run the dishwasher. Although infrequent, users have had to engage in repetitive conversations, causing them to boil over, such as captured in this documented exchange: Man: Computer, please turn down the heat. House: I am so sorry, Carl, how do I do that? Man: Use the thermostat. House: (Silence) Man: Seriously? Just like yesterday and the day before that. House: How do I… Man: Press the ‘set’ button. And then down button until it says 68. House: I am so sorry, Carl. Some such disgruntled homeowners say they have started an ad- visory blog and will be on hand in orange vests at the convention. OTHER HEADLINES Everyone finally chills as richest agree to double tax payments Billionaires: "Zero times two is still zero, mofos!" pg 150 Analyst predicts market crash by time you flush pg 157 Opinion: Well, you've pissed off the British pg 166 New bistro "Omricon" opens, closes pg 171 **Brought to you by Bargain Bin Greeting Cards** “Blank on the inside, just like the sender.”
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