Vol 9. Edition 1
News from CannaTown
Page 7
Libra - It’s not that this area is a ‘bad neighborhood’ per se, unless you’re weirdly attached to your hubcaps. Scorpio - After driving you mad for better part of a week, you’ll finally determine the source of the buzzing noise to be your own mouth. Sagittarius - You're not sure what to do about the cobbler elves dwelling in the walls, but might as well start with mousetraps. Capricorn - There’s no better time to drive off into the sunset, than when you’re being chased by gigantic sand worms in the dessert after smaking through a jar of rosin. Aquarius - Your “Olestra Challenge” ended badly, but at least no one saw you crying in the shower. Pisces - In a quest to be a better person, you’ll shed loved ones to earn a fortune, and priori- tize spending it on branding yourself, live for your followers.
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - As you pack for your vacation, remem- ber that alot of restaurants don’t just let you show up in sweatpants. Taurus - You were pretty jazzed when they told you about all the turps in your wax, until you realized they meant toxic paint-removers. Gemini - Maybe if you wrap a bow on yourself naked for Valentine’s, your girlfriend will just forget about your lack of present while she pukes in the foyer. Cancer - Your review of the latest vaporizer will include how it enabled you to finally tell off your mother-in-law. Leo - You went for the disheveled look, but ended up with the zombie-vagrant on acid look. Virgo - In the quiet preceding the storm, you’ll notice the murder of crows have pin- pointed the crumbs of buttery shellfish upon your lapel.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Time Capsule Hints of Mediocre Party A second local time capsule found buried in its original yet damaged cardboard, dating back circa 1978, suggests that a somewhat dull party raged prior to its burial, as most of its contents offer evidence of disorderly junk food consumption, "curated with absolutely no purpose or intent whatsoever" according to historians. In fact, the Cannatown Historical Society says the entire box--contents scoured and ransacked during what appears to be a late-night, ganj-fueled capsule-burying party- -has been reduced to nothing more than a well-kept trash receptacle these many years. A team of researchers at Cannatown Univer- sity has volunteered to study the preserved garbage, which includes empty beer cans and video cassette tapes, ravaged packages of Oreos and candy bar wrappers, ripped concert tickets, pickles from hamburgers, a menu fromWoo's Pagoda, and a half-smaked spliff.
Farron Luck tries out his flying VW Bug, pE7
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Boba Fett unmasking triggers bachelor uncles nationwide to puke in unison....... E2 Marine Biologists: Whales somehow finding money to buy crypto................................. F6 Poltergeist at Bradley St. House determined to be half-baked........................................ G13 You know this nap will go long............... H1
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