Vol 1. Edition 1
News from CannaTown
Page 11
Cannatown Perspectives OPINION: OK SELF, YOU HAVE TO EAT THIS BURGER
Ok, self. You bit into this huge ol’ bacon stacked, aioli-shmeared beefy weirdness and immediately the rst bite was a punch to the gut. Holy cow. We shouldn't have or- dered it. But now what? Now what, as your family and peers watch, what now, a er Sheryl said you'd never nish such a huge meal and how it was a waste, what now, af- ter that hungry man outside began watch- ing you intensely through the window, now that we have but precious time before the show? What say you, what now? You have to go through with it. Yes. You must eat this burger. is is the gauntlet you've been training for. Oh sweet cheezus, ugh. Ugh, ugh ugh . e second bite was much worse than the rst. Oh my gosh, there's no way you can swallow it! e swallowing mechanism is stoned shut. Little. By. Little. Oh. Fudge. Me. Wilburforce, you masochist ! You gotta eat this hambeezy, mofo. Oh, self. Oh, gentle, stupid, miseable self, you are f*cked. You know if you continue eating this huge grease-slogged meat- biscuit you will either puke ‘til kingdom come or su er ten hours of uncontrollable diarrhea like a walking Pepto Bismol com- mercial. Oh crackers, oh Mallory J. Peter-Whis- kers. Blurgh! Oh you son of a gun, you dumb son of a bitch, it looked just so good in the ad but when you unwrapped it you almost cried. Now you'll have this soggy, baby-sized mash churning your stomach to shreds. You'll stink up the house! Every trip to the lavatory will be a parade to hell, every time
the bastards will whistle that insu er- able burger jingle at you, sing it louder and louder until nally they're bel- lowing at the tops of their lungs while
Dr. Basil Wilburforce
you eject hell's own wrath from both ends, sobbing to yourself between each attack in exhausted surrender. Oh fudge, you fool! at bite almost didn't stay down! Abort! Abort! For the love of ground sirloin, abort mission! No...no. You dumb twat. You have to go through with it. It probably wouldn't be so bad if you
hadn't eaten that whole bag of party-size Skittles an hour ago. Or that corndog. And, the other corndog. Ok dude, steady on, stay the course. Let every burning belch out. Control it. at's it. Were gonna get thru, self. ere's light at the end of the tunnel. ey can all see you're sweating buckets but who cares? Bite, chew, chew. Bite, chew, chew. Come on, we’re doing it! Last--wad-- trapped--mid--throat...quench me, Captain Sprite. Blurgh. ere. Swallowed and done. Resist that urge to break into bittersweet tears. Crush your wrapper into a ball, like a man . Whatever happens now, they will al- ways say, He ate it, he never inched, never cried for his mother, never chickened out. We did it, you lucky idiot. We did it. EVER WANTED ANOTHER BIRTHDAY ? * NOW YOU CAN! *WE'VE GOT ALL THE DATES!* MARCH 15th JUNE 7th OR CHOOSE YOUR OWN! SecondBirthdays.com *Does not equal additional years in age or proverbial wisdom, thus cannot be used to receive Social Security early. O er subject to licensing through the CBA (Cannatown Birthday Association). All fees, taxes, and extra birthday money or Chuck E. Cheese tokens not included in shown price. Discounts on February 29th good only during leap years. AUGUST 28th OCTOBER 3rd And all the rest!
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