Vol 1. Edition 1
News from CannaTown
Page 13
Cannatown News Restaurant Review: Dad’s CannaTown’s newest munchery opened down- town just weeks ago and we were fortunate to get a table! Already word is spreading about Dad’s famous microwaved curly fries and discolored dijon. We were also eager to try the “Gutbuster” donut dessert, a cosmopoli- tan amalgamation of pastries, hershey’s syrup and unseasonal ice creams and popsicles. We were immediately o ered a complimen- tary Schlitz beer, a little warm, as if just put in the fridge. For a signature drink, try the “sneaky shot,” a pull of whiskey, where they ac- tually pass you the bottle to take a swig under the table. Dad’s had only the nest liquors, but you do have to sneak them o the shelves yourself. From there we moved on to some innovative appetizers: trail mix with all the M&M’s missing, and extremely aged beef jerky. e Half-burned Hot Pocket was a little overdone, but lived up to its name. Dad’s also makes a con- vincing reheated Wings dish. Unfortunately it was served with only a side of ketchup to dip. Upon request it turned out ketchup was the only condiment available for any meals, end of story. Dessert was sumptu- ous in its own way, but you could tell the donuts were a few days old. en again we were blazed and it was all ne.
found survival in Cannatown wasn’t so easy, either. So many of them did the only thing they knew how to do: they became bowl-swabbers. Every day they would scrape and clean the insides of bowls, for personal and corporate accounts. Every day, they toiled, bent over their
step, was a present and a note. Inspired by his generous service scraping and cleaning their bowls during his retirement, his neighbors together pitched in to buy him a giant Scooby Snacks nugget. Hillis said he was so moved, that he called everyone over to smake it with
“Nothing, nothing, feels better than smaking dank with a person in need. And being there for the rst time, that’s just special.” - Neighbor, Jan Newton
work tables doing green-collar work, so that future generations could enjoy a better life. Flash forward forty years, and Hillis was nally retiring at the age of 79. He had still never packed ower, forced by his own pride for decades to smake only the resin he scraped, an ailment that le him with a dirty, yellow-toothed grin, and the unwashable stink of bong tar. His associates at Goopen- heim’s wanted him to smake ower at the retirement party. ey readied a large group bong, but the local grinderage got the order wrong and ac- cidentally delivered and packed brown shwag. It was a mess. e party lasted just minutes. Traumatically, the experience got even worse when Hillis recklessly sprinted into an eight-foot rack of metal chairs and began st-ghting them. But everything changed last Tuesday on the eve of Hillis’ birthday, when he received a knock on the door at 4:20 in the a ernoon. ere, on the door-
him; everyone brought their own nuggetry and those that partook said they’d never seen an old man so heartwarmingly happy to nally smake kind bud. “ is is what it’s all about,” said Jan Newton, who lives just down the street. “Nothing, nothing, feels better than smak- ing dank with a person in need. And being there for the rst time, that’s just special.” ose close to Hillis say the change has been drastic. Long gone are the resin repositories nailed to walls throughout his house, and glass cabinet of scrapers. He recently rented a cabin to watch Dark Side of the Rainbow and enjoys a new hobby, staring at black light posters, for up to “four to six hours per day.” It’s clear he’s been given another lease on life. “For so long people have been telling me to just try some ower,” he remarked last Sunday as he packed for a river ra ing trip. “Years ago I would’ve packed resin, but you can see it’s only ower now, ‘til death do us part.”
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