Vol 1. Edition 1
News from CannaTown
Page 7
Libra - e di erence between you and a real lumberjack is, real lumberjacks chop down wood, not other stu made from wood. Scorpio - At precisely the same moment you notice something has been chewing on the drywall, you'll look down to realize it was you. Sagittarius - You’ll never get away with this, they’d tell you, if they’re weren’t a bunch of adorable, delicious, baby oysters. Capricorn - Most gamblers play coy during a blu , but your strategy is a straight guttural Popeye stutter . Aquarius - Despite climbing the bestseller list, you will be labeled a plagiarist for your novel, Fellowship of the Small Metal Finger-Circle . Pisces - e girl didn't seem very enthused about listening to your order. en again, she doesn't work here.
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - It’s not that everybody hates to hear your inner dialogue. It’s just that nobody re- ally needs another 50 recipes for meatloaf. Taurus - ere may be no stupider way of looking at the situation, than through goggles on a pogo-stick. Gemini - Nothing speaks to the depravity of your resin high like this homemade meal of dipped cheese slices in melted cheese. Cancer - Friends don’t push friends out of moving cars, then make love to their spouse and burn their house down. Leo - You idiot, you’re not supposed to rip the teabag open. Virgo - e tattoo wasn’t really received well, but you have to admit it was a clever way to request a divorce. A er months of grueling research, involving scientic bases and smaking circles world- wide, scientists say they have discovered the absolute highest that mankind get get, a high- water mark now known as “Absolute 420.” As chief scientist Wendy Hazelton explained, this landmark study “shows that most people who think they could not be any higher actu- ally have no idea how much higher they could be,” adding, “nor did we realize that humans could be moved to tears of laughter or have deep, philosophical conversations with so many inanimate objects.” A sole volunteer, Ronald Slough, is credited with the discovery, pushing on even when others insisted he stop. Accounts of the nal experiment describe Slough as “incomprehensible; subject believed he was an ostrich on a scuba expedition, and searched several minutes for a resting place before deciding to sleep on a large cus.” What Came to Pass News in Brief Scientists Discover Absolute 420
Resinville gied huge vaporizer bag, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Utterly high pâtissier accidentally makes award-winning Pâte à Choux.................... E2 Where to get free uid on national wind- shield wiper uid day................................. F6 Rotten ower bouquet survives another week .................................... ............ ...... G13 Dems’ ghtin’ words............................... H1
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