Vol 1. Edition 1
News from CannaTown
Page 9
Cannatown News
“Campstein still stands out as one of the greats, if not the Greatest.” - Professor Peter Skeedz
Man Suers Bout of Led Zeppelin Poisoning Medics had to rush a lo- cal resident, Gus Halvor- son, to be treated for Led Zeppelin poisoning, a er friends found him wandering the streets in the middle of the night, singing the opening to Immigrant Song over and over again. “At rst we thought he was choking on his beer,” said buddy Brett Taylor. “But then he got to the Ice and Snow part.” Halvorson spent most of the earlier evening with worsening symp- toms, and sat alone, playing air guitar and drumming even without music. “He was hum- ming madly under his breath, but we could oc- casionally recognize the song,” Taylor said. “It was Ramble On.” Halvorson is one of thousands to be treated for Zeppelin, a rising problem in 21 states. Health ocials are be- coming more aware of warning signs such a full-wall blacklight mu- ral in a garage, rocking out in public during a guitar solo, and head- banging despite a pattern of baldness. Halvorson was airli ed portside to join a group of drinking sherman in an old sea chanty. “It’s the best treatment, literally pulls the patient back away from the Zep- plin to the other end of the cultural spectrum,” said the patient’s doctor, Edna Statz. “Sung in a round is best.”
with despite his growing following of scientic dabfellows. He told those few remaining that he was close to unveiling the ultimate theory on dankness, something that would “replace the Berjiggity Scale,” the potency measurement system developed during the Dark Ages, modied and passed down even into modern times. “Berjiggity didn’t factor in space-out-time,” Peter Skeedz, Professor of Dankage at Cannatown University (CTU) said at the induction. “Campstein was proposing a whole new spectrum of dankness levels like Dankapotumus , Stanka Dank Dank , Gnar Gnar Binks , and even Intergalactic Emergency , considered the highest level of dankness possible in the given universe.” His penultimate contribution to science, the equation D=SC 2 ( Dank = Shwag x Camp 2 ), demonstrated the signicance of the camp in establishing nuggersh dankness. Each bowl of smake was reduced to its basic shwag level as common denominator. e crowning achievement was nding the exponent he called the “Nuggies Constant,” which turned out to be the number two. “It took a decade,” he admitted in his notebook’s nal entry, “but I nally plugged in my lucky number and it worked.” e equation and notebook, released a year before his death 20 years ago, became an icon and rallying cry for other dankol- ogy experts. He was able to witness only the beginning of the movement he sparked, which went on to inspire several schools of Dankthought. In droves, groups tried to recreate his camping experiments in their own laboratory settings. Curriculums and textbooks were written. Seminars and industry trades, launched. Now, with an exhibit celebrating his life’s
achievement, scholars feel the theory has come full-circle into cultural acceptance. “Technically new math such as Dinkle Dank eory has given rise to higher, abstract levels of Dankness, but technically none of those have been observed.” Skeedz said. “Campstein still stands out as one of the greats, if not the Greatest.”
"Purp" DePurp
Local icon and proprietor Bertrand “Purp” DePurp is one of a small minority that disagrees with the science. Purp, adjunct professor of Purpology at CTU issued a counter-statement to the newspaper at the event. “If it looks like purp, and smell like purp, smakes like purp, it’s purp,” he said. “Hands down, I never needed no dank scale tellin’ me what’s the most euphorious nug in the world. For that, I got me a nose and two eyeballs.” Purp added that he’s been working on his own Purp eory, and a device he called the “Hoobie-Danker.”
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