Why Do They Keep Bringing up the Past?
Evan, it seems like every time we get in an argument, my spouse brings up the past. How do we move past this once and for all? The simple truth is that your spouse does not feel seen, heard, or recognized. Once they feel validated, they won’t bring it up anymore . Before you tell me you have already apologized multiple times, I believe you. Please understand that it’s not what you do; it’s how you do it! Allow me to speak the truth in love for a moment. A halfhearted apology is just that: halfhearted. Put another way, a crappy apology is just that — crap! If the other party doesn’t feel seen, heard, or recognized, then you gave a crappy apology, regardless of how you think it went. I encourage you to reboot. Obviously, what you’re doing now isn’t working, so it’s time for change. In order for things to change, you must change. In order for things to get better, you must get better. So, let’s get better right now. We will begin by apologizing to your spouse for your crappy apologies. Remember that it’s not what you do, but how you do it. You need to be alone with your spouse — no phones, no screens, just the two of you.
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