King's Business - 1968-06

TALKING IT OVER with Dr. Clyde M. Narramore

Q. I would like to have your help. It is hard for me to ask for help. It seems I’ve spent my life looking after other people. It never occurs to anyone that I need help for my­ self. I am married to an immature, self- centered man who, I am sure, mar­ ried me to care for him as a mother would. We are both college gradu­ ates. He has a good job and is a good man. In all honesty, I have to give him credit for his many vir­ tues. He attends church with us; he loves his family and enjoys his chil­ dren. He is very good to help with caring for the children. But the thing that I have not been able to accept is the fact that he considers all the time he spends at home as his own, to do with as he chooses. He has a five-day-a-week, 8-hour-a- day job. So there is much free time. He spends his evenings attending club meetings, classes, committee meetings, or at home pursuing his many interesting hobbies. Weekends and holidays are my un­ doing. By Sunday, I am a nervous wreck. I get so upset because he spends his whole time poring over his own personal in te r e s ts . He chooses to ignore the upkeep which every home requires, and he will not hire anyone to do it for us. The yard goes untended, the shrubbery untrimmed, the appliances and house unrepaired, unpainted, untended. His answer is, “Why don’t you take care of it?” The whole family seems to feel, “Let Mother do it!” — mostly because that is their father’s atti­ tude. I am contributing to the family income also. Life is very good to my husband. He has a home and children and a wife who carries the load of the family while he pursues his treas­ ured hobbies. But when the load gets too heavy and my nerves crack, he treats me like a disobedient and ob­ streperous child to be reprimanded. Dr. Narramore, how do I learn to live with this situation? What would God have me do? This is a great emotional drain on me. En­ ergy that rightfully should be chan­ neled to something constructive is being expended on my frustrations. Can you offer any suggestions? 26

Dr. Narrtfflora, gradual« of Columbia University, Now York City, U a nationally known psychologist. Ho is tho director ol one of America's

largest psychological clinics— Tho Christian Counseling center in Rosemead, California.

A. Your letter reads like a broad sample of many that come to me. I appreciate it that while you list your husband’s frustrating lack of cooperation around the house, you do acknowledge that he has his good points. In particular, you state that he loves his family and enjoys them. This is so important. Now, your problem is obviously the fact that you have a husband who has never grown up. Many hus­ bands (and wives also) never reach a maturity that matches their chrono­ logical age. In some ways, at least, they are stunted in their emotional development. Their actions and re­ actions are like those of children. Undoubtedly, these problems stem from emotional deprivations of child­ hood. Their basic needs for belong­ ing, for love and affection, and a sense of worthiness were never met in their early years. I would suggest you do two things. Pray for your husband — and for yourself, that God will meet your needs as only He can. Then I would encourage him to get professional counseling. If he had received such help years ago, it could have made such a difference in your home. SEPARATION Q. I am U2 years old and have been married for eight years. We have a little boy six years old. He is a dear child and we love him very much. However, my husband and I are not particularly compatible. Through these years there has been much arguing and fighting. Under these conditions, do you think it is better to try to live together for the sake of the child or to separate? A. By all means it is better to live together. Naturally, since you are

considering your child you must real­ ize that it’s hard for a little fellow to explain why his mother and father are fighting all the time. It’s hard to explain this to his friends. He can’t even explain it to himself. But I’ll tell you something that is much harder than that. It’s trying to ex­ plain to yourself or to your friends why you don’t have a father at all. It’s better to have a father of some kind, than to have none at all. And I am wondering if the prob­ lem may not be with you. A Chris­ tian wife, living her life for the Lord and in His power, can revolutionize her home. You do not have to carry this load alone. No one has to live by himself because we have the Sav­ iour with us, and the Holy Spirit will turn all the power of the uni­ verse upon you. It may be that you have never trusted Christ, have never been born again. I would urge you to turn to God, fall on your face before Him and ask Christ to come into your heart and save you, take away your sin and make you the kind of woman you can be. May I suggest something basic for you: Why don’t you obtain a copy of the book, A Woman’s World, and read the chapter entitled “When Love Is Not There.” This chapter deals with women who are married to men whom they really do not love, and whom they cannot get along with. You will undoubtedly receive help as you read this, and the outcome can be that yours will become a happy home where your little boy will grow up in an atmosphere of love and af­ fection, seeing his mother and dad enjoying each other, happy together. How much better it is that you seek God’s help, determined to live by His Word and bring up your child in a complete home. THE KING'S BUSINESS

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