CONSPIRACY
asks, “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?” The boy says, “I’m a Republican.” The girl says, “Hop in.” And they drive off. While they’re driving, the wind pushes the girl’s skirt up her legs, first just a little, then a little more, then more yet, and the boys finds himself becoming aroused. He says, “Please pull over and let me out.” The girl says, “What’s the matter?” (So far, not much of a story... The need for a punch line means some object or entity must get punched.) The boy says, “I’ve only been a Republican for 15 minutes, and I already feel like screwing somebody.” Conspiracy theories give us something or somebody to hate. Hating is lots of fun. I can show you proof from the most lofty realms of high culture. Percy Bysshe Shelley is obviously having a wonderful time in his poem “England in 1819,” ranting at King George III and the royal family (prominent figures in many conspiracy theories down to the present day).
To embrace a theory of a secret, huge, manifold conspiracy containing multitudes – the kind of conspiracy theory that’s currently in fashion – means we have to have a splendidly imaginative fantasy life. So now we’re really having fun! To have bad things happen without a conspiracy to explain them is to have a joke without a punch line. I’ll use my favorite old joke as an example – a liberal joke, it so happens, dating back to the FDR era. A boy is hitchhiking. A car pulls over, and the driver asks, “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?” The boy says, “I’m a Democrat.” The driver drives away leaving the boy standing there. Another car pulls over and the driver asks, “Are you a Democrat or a Republican?” The boy says, “I’m a Democrat.” The driver drives away. The same thing happens three more times. Then a beautiful girl in a convertible pulls over and – the kind of conspiracy theory that’s currently in fashion – means we have to have a splendidly imaginative fantasy life. So now we’re really having fun! And the fun’s just started... Storytelling is even more fun than daydreaming. A conspiracy makes for a much better story than messy, incoherent, and always somewhat incomprehensible reality does. Conspiracy gives amorphous life a shape, like a good movie plot or a mystery novel. The Deep State did it !
For more conspiracy theory theories, check out Kim Iskyan’s feature story from last year:
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February 2021
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