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Dispatches from the Highlands
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CannaTown News
Woman Finds Missile Under Shit in Garage
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OTHER HEADLINES City urges residents to stop dumping their trash at Julie's "She learned her lesson and will not double-park again." pg 150 Cheerios changes name to "Chlormequatos" pg 157 Smell of Barry now in ve states pg 166 Petition starts to stop eclipse pg 171 **Brought to you by Mitch's Mallow's* “Aged in u y neck cheeks these past 30 years” A rusting rocket discovered under a "pile of old shit," has turned out to be a discarded nuclear warhead capable of lev- eling the entire county. Local hoarder and part-time actress Milly Fife noti ed police a er nding the explosive yesterday. Cannatown bomb squad technicians said the Douglas AIR- 2 Genie, an air-to-air unguided rocket equipped with intact 1.5kt W25 nuclear warhead, should probably not be touched. Chances of an explosion, they said in an answering machine message recorded prior to oce evacuation, were somewhere between moderate to severe. "Call the army!" they shouted from the car window as they sped away, siren at full blast. Army ocials have been somewhat mum, either due to the con dential nature of the missile, or, because it is Friday and nobody is answering calls. One engineer, visually perturbed by the topic, told reporters the problem should rest with the HOA. e HOA, in turn, squarely placed blame for the ordeal on Fife's shoulders, and said they were preparing to levy a ne. Meanwhile, Fife has grown anxious about the problem, and neighbors say she is frantically searching for answers. "It's ticking! It's ticking louder, everyone! Please, help!" Fife said.
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