Vol 10. Edition 4
News from CannaTown
Page 7
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - e whole world would be awestruck to know you’re wearing an Apple Vision Pro, except maybe the person you’re operating on. Taurus - It’s not the Star Trek jumpsuits disorienting your colleagues, but that thing where you cut out the fabric to expose your hairy pits. Gemini - You can’t get high o one hit on a Sprite can just minutes before your sister’s big wedding, but dadgummit, you’re gonna try. Cancer - You can nally admit it. David Bryne dancing makes you physically nauseous. Leo - Making out with a ag doesn’t necessar- ily mean you love that country, even if it did have your baby. Virgo - Well, lucky you, you’re apparently the only one in a zillion people who gets ut- terly and unexpectedly chubby on Ozempic.
Libra - As the spaceship oated over the re hydrant, you were lled with wonder about how they got the water in that hydrant. Scorpio - As your blind date is pointing out between hurls, not everyone is a fan of your “natural odors.” Sagittarius - You will begin to develop gills from sitting too long in the inatable hot tub. Capricorn - Your best friend may be a giant brain in a tank, but at least there’s no way he can steal your wife and house this time. Aquarius - e Pantene Pro-V is really making a di erence. Too bad you can’t show anyone your four-inch pubes. Pisces - You almost fooled them, and you would’ve gotten away with egregious estate fraud, if you weren’t trying to sell a card- board house.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
CannaTown Shutdown Likely Due to Debts Trac lamps unlit, library sections replaced with Chick- l-A, roaming sheep in the village green where mowers once controlled the lawn, and property tax bills for a million dollars. All of these new developments are related to an impending shut down, caused by a myriad of issues such as in ghting among ocials over whose job it was to pay bills. “Vivica was sup- posed to send o the check for electric and gas a few weeks ago,” said Councilwoman Mary Walters. “Looks like that didn’t happen.” e city allegedly made other ill-advised pur- chases, such as a large water fountain and slide in the City Hall atrium. “It wasn’t cheap, but it is fun,” Walter said. Adding to the irony of the situation, Walters noted the city would’ve had the money to pay its debts, had it not been forced to sell Bitcoin at a major loss in order to keep the town's sewage system operational last summer. “Either way, we’re in deep shit.”
City's beloved windowless trolley retired, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Collapse of Atlantic meridional circulation tied to price of Big Mac .............................. E6 One man revival of Stomp dies o Broadway ................................................................... F2 People are just realizing how a carb works .. .................................................. ........ ...... G13 Vogue : Ideal man is a bald Michael Cera ..... H1
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