Page 8
Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
CannaTown News
e ambitious goal to let stoners wirelessly connect to the internet has taken a new step, as brash CEO Melon Yusk announced the rst volunteer has been implanted with a brain chip from his company, Neurodink. Although the patient is “drooling” and “covered in a myriad of lukewarm dipping sauces,” he appears to be recovering well and is no longer cross-eyed, Yusk said on his so- cial platform, Y . And more trials have begun. Neurodink’s clinical trials are named RUB- BISH -- for Robotically Unprecise Backwards Brain-Implanted Shitterface . e process uses a robot to surgically jam the wires and implant directly into the brain, a procedure that typically requires human intervention, cleanup, and duct tape a erward. " e device interprets a stoner’s neural activity, so they can warm up nachos or surf Hulu by simply wishing they could get o the couch, no wir- ing or upset girlfriends required,” Neurodink said in its call for test subjects. Initial reports suggested that patient #1 was having psychotic reactions and had gone missing; but this turned out to be due to his mother-in-law visiting town. Other severe symptoms such as falling down stairs and a propensity for omitting key ingredients from well-known recipes (forgetting the bread from butter-and-toast for instance) turned out to be unrelated and not side e ects. However, Neurodink has admitted there are already documented symptoms: every time the patient thinks about the chip in his head, he thinks about chips, salsa and Tostitos cheese dip, and gets the deathbed munchies. So far the test subject has gained approximately 55 pounds in two weeks. Upon further examination it was found the subject was also smaking twice as much as usual, a er scoring a huge satchel from a friend, which may have exacerbated the Neurodink Launches Stoner Brain-Chip
Above: Patient #2 has the new chip installed on lunch. Below: Patient #1 asks for help installing Windows 11.
munchable symptoms. “Altogether the experiment was a bit of a failure,” said Yusk, undeterred. “We had much better success with the monkeys.”
Made with FlippingBook Learn more on our blog