experience. We all will experience grief within our lifetime, but no one ever wants to talk about it, since many of us feel inadequate for the right words. Grief, what it is, and what it can look like for people is often misunderstood in our culture. It can be hard to acknowledge and can feel isolating. Grief is messy, complex and always moving. Allowing movement in and out of pain can help balance grief with periods of respite, giving permission to set it aside for a time. Breaks from pain are needed. Routines, structures, and schedules can assist in physical and emotional reprieve. As stressors crop up, I realize that I need to step back to take a break by making my world smaller and more self-care focused. Grief has become part of our new story. We are not the same people we once were. Grief doesn’t exist without love or value. We grieve because we love and miss. Death doesn’t end our relationship or our love for Kyle; it’s just different now. We carry him with us into the future together. We continue to speak his name, tell his stories, and share parts of his idiosyncrasies so that his legacy continues to live on. A grief-stricken, broken heart is also adaptable – the heart can feel multiple things at the same time. A heart can be grieving and in pain while at the same time still be hopeful, and joyful. Pain may become muted at times, when numbness or other emotions come in. It can be in the background, lessening its grip – but always remaining,
lurking – like a “little grief - devil,” sitting on my shoulder and whispering in my ear, reminding me of my loss. The inclusion of these varied emotions into our current daily lives, special milestones, and holidays allow us to carry our loved one with us. These special and significant family times can magnify loss even more. How can we celebrate togetherness when our family is not entirely together? Last year, my family had to maneuver these emotions of grief and joy co-existing as we prepared for our daughter’s wedding. Lindsey got engaged three days prior to her little brother’s death. Kyle was the first person she told that she had gotten engaged. Together they had decided to start a new trend - Lindsey had asked Kyle to be her man-of- honor, since he was her only sibling and best friend for life. We had to continue on living, celebrating Lindsey’s wedding while balancing the void we all were feeling. We spoke about Kyle, set a seat for him, a picture of Kyle was tied around Lindsey’s bouquet, and we felt his presence with us. We had to give ourselves permission to make new memories. There is room to carry sorrow and joy together. Shortly after Kyle was killed, we did things that were extremely hard for us. We moved toward painful situations and experiences that we knew Kyle would have loved experiencing himself, hoping that he would see these same experiences through our eyes, instead of his own. Early in our grief, we experienced things that mattered most to Kyle: traveling to the 911 Memorial Museum, visiting Ogunquit Beach where he spent every summer with his
14 MADDvocate ®
Made with FlippingBook - Online magazine maker