CANNAPAGES May/Jun 2022 Edition - Phoenix/Tucson/Flagstaff

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Dispatches from the Highlands

$4.20 Cents

By Hugh Jollydab

Opinion: I'mWritingThisFromMyBunker Aloha Jolly-dabbers, I don’t know if you read the news on your phone, but apparently the whole world is going to shit! Did you hear about that? Yea. First my KIA dies and now this. I dunno, I’m typically a pretty optimis- tic guy about stu, maybe it’s all the wax I roll with my doobies. But now I’m not sure. And to show you just how unsure I am, I’m writ- ing this frommy underground bunker! So I had this huge hole in the back of the yard from when I tried to dig my own pool, remember that? Huge ordeal. rewmy back out for a whole week or two. But the other day I was lookin’ at the thing, thinkin', dang, I gotta do something with this thing, when I had an epiphany that I could probably t a couch down here. And sure enough then I got a few other things like an old TV and that old coee table with the three legs, and made er' all nice and cozy. en I got to thinkin', man, if I just throw a few sheets of plywood over this thing I’ve got myself a pretty good bunker. Only problem was, I didn’t know how to seal it o. Or really what to put over it. And it ended up getting pretty muddy aer the rst time it rained hard. ‘Course, all the electricity went out and the TV stoppedwor- kin’. I didn’t have much for emergency food stored in there yet except for a big bowl of Cheetos, and those got mad soaked. I still ate em’, or a couple of 'em, but it was terrible, it was terrible. But yea, now that the world’s goin’ to hell, I feel pretty good knowin’ I got an extra layer of protection, a place to chill when it all goes down. Might not survive a bomb, or even baseball bats or sts or acid rain, or any rain, but yea, it’s a legit bunker, at least there’s that. Kinda dull, not gonna lie. I'm really not sure how I’d possibly make it through a legit war if I couldn’t plug in for some Elden Ring. And until I get a new extension cord, that ain’t hap- penin’ anytime soon in this bunker. Now I feel like all those people did back when they thought the bomb was gonna be droppin’. Just wait for the alarm to sound and duck and cover right?is is real, bro, this is happening. You gotta have a contingency plan. Plus, I got some tasers back here behind the couch, but I’m afraid to try ‘em out until the mud dries. OTHER HEADLINES

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