The Doctor Is In
Suffering Is Not an Excuse for Abuse In over 20 years as a psychologist, I’ve not infrequently encountered the belief that if you are suffering—or if you have suffered in the past—you can’t possibly be the one causing harm. But here’s the clinical reality: Suffering and being abusive are not mutually exclusive. You can be a victim of a terrible past AND be the perpetrator of a toxic present at the same time. I’ve heard this so many times: “My kids have it so much better than I did. I was beaten, but I only used a belt on them.” Or “I was hit with a belt; I only yell at them. They should be grateful.” Comparing your current behavior to what you think is a worse version of the past is just your brain trying to negotiate a settlement for your lack of self-control. Abuse of a different color is still abuse. Does your past trauma explain why you struggle with a short fuse? Highly possible. Your nervous system is primed for threat, and your internal bodyguard is over-reacting. But having a reason is not the same as having an excuse. When you tell your child they have
The moment you use your past as a shield to justify your current outbursts, you’ve stopped being a cycle breaker and you’ve started being a cycle justifier. Own the hardware issues, update the software and stop using your history as a hall pass for your behavior.
Submitted by Dr. J. Paweleck-Bellingrodt, Psy.D.
DISCLAIMER: Material is for informational purposes and not intended to be a substitute for evaluation or treatment by a licensed professional. Material is copyrighted and may only be reproduced with written permission of Dr. Bellingrodt.
it better than you did while you’re verbally or emotionally tearing them down, you’re essentially telling them that their pain doesn’t matter because yours was “louder.” You can be hurting AND be the one hurting others. But you can also break the cycle. You have to hold two truths at once, though. You can be a person who deserved better as a child AND you can be a person who needs to do better as an adult. Your kids don’t need to be grateful that you aren’t as bad as your parents were. You’re supposed to be good to them. They need you to be safe. Period.
26 Estrella Publishing - Up The Hill magazine
June 2026
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