The Doctor Is In
The Five Question Identity Audit Last time, we looked at basic strategies to respond to your defensiveness in the moment. This month, I’m giving you my Identity Audit for use when you feel the urge to defend your character. To reclaim your agency, run your reaction through these five questions. 1. What exactly am I afraid is being seen? Defensiveness is a smoke screen. Ask: “If I don’t defend myself right now, what will this person think of me?” Are you afraid of being seen as “wrong,” “incompetent,” “lazy” or “mean”? Identifying the specific label you’re running from helps you realize We rarely get defensive over things that are 100% false. If someone accused you of being a purple elephant, you’d laugh. You get angry when the accusation touches a nerve. Ask: “Is there even a 2% grain of truth in what they said?” If you can find it, you can own it. Owning the 2% dissolves your need to defend the other 98%. 3. Am I defending who I am or who I want to be? that a label cannot actually hurt you. 2. Is there a grain of truth in the accusation? Often, we defend our ideal self rather than our actual self. If you want to be a person who’s never late but you were late, you’ll defend the lateness to protect the image. Acknowledge that you’re a human who’s allowed to make mistakes. You don’t need to be perfect to be valuable. 4. What would happen if I simply said, “You’re right”? Visualize the outcome of total surrender to the truth.
Does the world end? Or does the tension in the room immediately drop? Usually, admitting a mistake is the fastest way to end a conflict. It moves you from a
power struggle into problem solving. 5. Does this defense serve my future self?
Ask: “Will defending this mistake today make my life better tomorrow? Or will it just create a gap that I’ll have to bridge later?” If your goal is personal power, the most powerful thing you can do is demonstrate that you’re strong enough to be wrong. Putting it into Practice The next time you catch yourself in a security detail of excuses, stop and remember: The truth just is. Use this audit to strip away the “buts” and “ifs” so you can get back to your agency. Submitted by Dr. J. Paweleck-Bellingrodt, Psy.D. Material is for informational purposes and not intended to be a substitute for evaluation or treatment by a licensed professional. Material is copyrighted and may only be reproduced with written permission of Dr. Bellingrodt.
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Estrella Publishing - Up The Hill magazine
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