The Ultimate Thanksgiving Survival Guide ;) How To... Pre-Dinner Reconnaissance (2:00 PM) Upon arrival, immediately identify escape routes and bathrooms. The bathroom is your Switzerland—a neutral zone where you can hide for exactly seven minutes before someone knocks asking if you’re okay. Any longer and Aunt Linda will diagnose you with something she read about on Facebook. The Political Minefield (3:30 PM) When Uncle Frank starts a sentence with “You know what the problem with this country is,” suddenly become fascinated by the gravy boat. Study it like it holds the secrets of the universe. If cornered, deploy emergency phrases: “Interesting perspective” or “I need to help in the kitchen” (even though you’ve never voluntarily helped before). Kitchen Combat Zone (4:00 PM) The kitchen hosts a delicate power struggle between your mother, grandmother, and whoever foolishly offered to help. Your job is to stand awkwardly near the counter, occasionally moving a pot holder,
and agreeing with everyone simultaneously. Think Switzerland again, but with more passive aggression about whose stuffing recipe is better. The Feast Begins (5:00 PM) Fill your plate strategically. Pile it high enough that you can’t possibly engage in conversation while chewing, but not so high that you can’t claim room for Aunt Carol’s dry pumpkin pie later. When asked about your love life, career, or life choices, take an enormous bite and gesture helplessly at your full mouth. Post-Dinner Interrogation (6:30 PM) The sleepy tryptophan haze is your ally. Position yourself on the couch at a diagonal angle that prevents anyone from sitting next to you. Master the art of the “listening nap”—eyes closed but nodding occasionally. When Grandpa shares his story about walking uphill both ways to school for the eighteenth time, remember: you only have to survive until pie. Exit Strategy (8:00 PM) Blame an early morning. Blame your cat. Blame anything. Take your leftovers and retreat to safety, knowing you’ve lived to fight another Thanksgiving.
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Estrella Publishing - The Grove magazine
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