Vol 9. Edition 5
News from CannaTown
Page 9
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - ings haven't changed much since popcorn destroyed the town, but hey, the stars just report the news. Taurus - It's the time of year to crawl back to the slots and win back your house by betting all the money you made selling your car. Gemini - e gasps may get into your head. But remember, you need them recorded if you're going to sue your plastic surgeon. Cancer - Your Galactic Future Founda- tion seems a little disingenuous given your degree in Cultural Anthropology. Leo - You made right on your promise to rock the boat, but now there’s gravy everywhere. Virgo - You’ve been saying yes to a lot of stu recently, but the orgy in the musty sarcophagus denitely crossed the line.
Libra - No one would blame you for com- pletely checkin' out on a Friday aernoon. But it's Tuesday. At 10am in the morning. Scorpio - It wasn’t so much the heartbreak that made you cry, but the slap in the face, two cans of pepper spray, and swi kick to the groin. Sagittarius - It's all unfurling as the gypsy said: the popcorn, the BMW, and now, jail. Capricorn - While it was great to re-connect with the ol’ gang, it did make the colonoscopy pretty awkward . Aquarius - It’s pretty fair to say the date was over the minute she saw your Hammer Pants. Pisces - ere are a lot worse things than losing a nger. Like losing a whole arm. Look, I’m just trying to put stu in perspec- tive. We’re almost to the hospital.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Metro Museum: All of the exhibits are ruined In terms of timing, no one could have predicted the ironic and devastatingly poor choice to feature an exhibit of All ings Butter at the Cannatown Metropolitan Museum, much less, on the top oor under a vaulted glass ceiling. For weeks the exhibit had "gone so" due to the exhorbitant levels of sun, but as the corn palace exploded down the street, the room collapsed, ultimately becoming a giant mixing bowl of hot popcorn and sloshing butter. Gradually the greasy, mouth-watering mixture made its way downstairs, oozing through the vents and corridors as patrons ed for their lives. Roughly 1,300 pieces of artwork, both on display and in archives, were destroyed by the mess. "It's all ruined, save a sculpture here, or a painting there," said museum curator Alphie Higgins. " en again all the colors and avors work so well together, it's hard to just write the whole thing o ."
Employment rate in popcorn sector wanes, pE7
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
We've been calibrating our linear displace- ment traducers wrong this whole time.... E2 Popcorn related injuries up 154000% at local Emergency Room...................................... F6 How to make $420k/mo in passive income by just pooping..................... ........... ...... G13 'Tsa matta you?....................................... H1
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