by Gayle MacDonald
chatting with my husband and just sitting in silence. This time together in the woods is one of the many blessings I thank the Universe for. In our four years of sobriety together, we’ve been through a lot my husband and I. We’ve seen a business fail and another one thrive, we’ve been days away from a repossession – twice, and there was a spell when 20 Euros a week and a fortnightly visit to the food bank was all we had to feed the four of us. But this recent challenge feels scarier, yet empowering at the same time. I feel like, for the first time, I am pulling all the things out of the hat and being forced to look inside for the strength and resilience I know is there somewhere and then find it and use it. Four months ago my husband had a stroke and after spending 11 days in the hospital, two of those days in intensive care, I was left in charge. I don’t think I have ever had to cope with such a life-changing situation and I was terrified. Added to that, my eldest son moved out the day after we returned home from the hospital and is not speaking to us right now for reasons unknown. I am also helping my husband cope with the fact that his mum has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s but is in denial and that there is no information coming from her partner about anything and I do mean anything. They came to visit just after my husband came out of the hospital to ‘help’ but when they turned up, my mother-in-law was a total shell of herself. We’d not seen them in two years and the decline seems to have been quite rapid, but nobody said anything, not a word. Shock is the understatement of the century. She also fell over in the supermarket on her first day here, so I was transported back to the hospital where my husband had been only weeks before. As my hairdresser put it the other day, “Your life is a bit shit at the moment, no?” Quite! But thanks to my sobriety and I really mean this, I am coping. And in a weird way, I am also hopeful and dare I say it a wee bit excited for the future. I think that because there is such a lot to deal with right now, I have no choice but to face it head-on, and that is what I am doing
I am also leaning on everything to get me through. Writing, as I say is helping so much right now and not only my journal but I started a personal blog to keep me motivated and accountable. I cannot afford to slip back into old habits. Health is more important than ever and while I always knew it, I’ve never felt it deep down in my bones like I do today. I am also walking my way through this period in my life, with my husband by my side as each step is literally making him stronger and aiding his recovery. I also walk alone and love solitude, to let my mind wander, to walk as fast or as slow as I want. Sometimes ideas and solutions come to me when walking or writing, sometimes they don’t. This morning in meditation I accepted the fact that I can’t fix everything and that has to be okay, otherwise I will not be okay. But, I think I will be okay thanks to my writing and my walking and the amazing people I have around me, from the ladies in my group to my friends whom I speak to in person or on Whatsapp, via Zoom or text, whether it’s every week or whenever we are in each other’s thoughts, thank you. I know that better things are coming. I know that the beautiful part of change is on its way and I can see it and I know that it is my responsibility to make it happen. If the past few months have taught me anything, it is that life is short, it’s precious and I have to live it to the best of my ability every day with as much joy and compassion and fun and fire as I can. It’s time to do the things I have been putting off like yoga in the mornings, writing as much as I want, and walking at every opportunity. I am learning that when I put myself first and do the things that genuinely bring me joy, then not only am I better off but so is everybody else! Leaning into my heart and following through feels scary and strange, but freeing and soul-nourishing. You’d think that at 45 I would have discovered this already, but nope. I am only just finding the courage now. Why is that, I wonder? I’m sure I will find the answer amongst the trees and the pages of my journal. And there’s no better time than September to embrace these changes when the air smells fresher, the leaves start to turn and the talk is of new trainers, pencil cases, and shiny new notebooks. September is the beginning of my favourite part of the year when the duvet goes back on the bed, and I am allowed to think about apple crumble, blackberries and socks, single-digit mornings, long sleeves, chilly nights, and pyjamas. While my youngest son will be returning to school with a new backpack and trainers, I will be returning to my path with a new pair of hiking boots and a brand new journal!
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