I was liberated as I kept control of myself, I had fun and I naturally chose where I spent my energies and time, I didn’t think too much about anything and paranoia was a distant memory. I easily recognised when things were getting edgy due to the alcohol and I knew when it was my time to go home. I knew my invite to the after-party was offered with love but the love I now have for myself was more important. I no longer fancied carrying on into the early hours of the morning being the last person to leave, I was ready for my bed. people commented on how different I was (physically and emotionally) since the last time they had seen me, some of them I had met only once, 3 years ago when I can now say I was probably in a bad place (unknowingly), not just with wine but with all parts of my life. So to hear people tell me how they love the work I am doing, they love what it stands for and how they love seeing my journey was nothing short of validating. I know it’s not about what others think but there is something quite magical about being validated after all the hard work. Throughout the night As I walked down the street to the party with my aunt and mum, several strangers took the time to comment on my dress and how I looked, I embraced this and know full well in the past I would have been distorting their looks negatively and being paranoid. As I reflect, I know that in the past on the run up, I would have been troubling everyone with my stress of not being happy, not being comfortable with what I had chosen to wear, how unhappy I was with my weight, how I hadn’t bought certain things that I needed.
I would have been moaning all night that I felt fat, that so and so was being nasty and just generally attracting negative attention and spoiling other people’s night with my negative vibes. This is how I know I have changed, this person has disappeared and no longer exists. I am beyond proud of this. As most people woke up rough on Sunday, struggling to recall parts of the night I felt proud of how I had just ‘done me’, my way. I felt happy. I didn’t feel judgemental of others. I did not feel worried about what I had said or done and I did not have a single regret at how I handled myself and the choices I had made. So, RIP to the old me. I will always be reminded and mindful of you but you are now a memory. And whilst I never want to see you again, I will never forget you because you will forever serve as the reminder of all that I DO NOT WANT. Lots of Love, Emma ❤️
Emma'''s Diary
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