Vol 9. Edition 1
News from CannaTown
Page 9
Cannatown News
and ooding, drought reached such levels that several missing bongs were found, un- covered in the Rezzy Resington Reservoir. Critics say it should have been obvious there was more at stake when the town set about constructing the monstrosity. "Come on, it's Redenbacher 101," said town activist Harry Miles. "Mess'd with corn, came home scorn'd." Unseen Circumstances e critics are wrong , says town insurance adjuster, Chad Hawkins, pointing out that organizers planned for everything but pop- ping. “ ere’s no precedent in the natural history of the world.” Hawkins also divulged, at least in the case of the city, there was no ac- tual " ood" policy taken out, only " oof", per- haps a typo--albeit an apparently extraneous and unusable credit that won't do anything to help pay for millions in damages from the syrup. e city may even have to do a Kick- starter to rebuild, unless taxes can be raised. Other damage just can't be quantied by dollar alone, Hawkins explains. One driver, in a fog of popcorn dust, admitted to driving into, and destroying, several area businesses. In another case, a meat-packing plant man- ager admitted that, in the blackout that en- sued, some "other items" may have acciden- tally been jammed into the beef. And then there were the nearly 100 portable toilets at the event; the entire line was pummeled to the ground, creating an absolute bummer of unspeakable magnitude, which spread down the hill into surrounding neighborhoods. “Excavating this pile of shit mixed with pop- corn just might be the worst thing I’ve ever done with my life,” said involuntary parolee Martin Vedemeir, one of fourteen still shov- eling as night fell and temperatures dropped. Such terrible ordeals have the city contem- plating how best to use the emergency money received from the state. While it seems im- perative to restore power, there's a deal right now for bulk tickets to Maui, at some pretty good rates if the whole city agrees to go in on it. "Even if it means stretching three years of rebuilding into three decades, I think we may all need that vacation," says Knight.
A pedestrian braves the corn dust as it settles in suburbs
Instructions from the City, and Closures Along with the University, all Parks & Rec classes are canceled, along with Laser Godzilla at the Planetarium. Highway 9 is blocked up by ultra-large kernels blocking the way (a product of a power terminal next to the corn palace, which also amplied size). " ere's no timeline for xing various parts of the city, one, because of the budget ques- tions, and two, because Rico and Trish both walked o the jobs aer thirty years of lead- ing our maintenance teams here in Canna- town," Sashsa Brickson, spokesperson for the Mayor's O ce, announced at a press confer- ence last night. "We're waiting for someone to step up and take their places, to manage the cleanup of our city." "Anyone? Anyone at all?" she added. e Mayor's o ce will work to make sure there is enough in stores to go around--so that each citizen will get their full share of normal bud and wax. Meanwhile, supplies like food will continue to be rationed--partic- ularly munchies. Grocery stores have not re- ported a shortage of produce or health foods. e city also asked citizens to stop ush- ing the popcorn. Five-pound sacks can be brought to proper disposal pits outside town, where crews are working to mulch it quickly. "It's defeating, you just work all day shoving this stu in the shredder," said one worker, "and then you look out at the massive hills of popcorn still out there on the landscape and you realize it'll never end. is is my life now." City council will decide on Maui on Tuesday.
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