American Consequences - September 2018

By P.J. O'Rourke

8. Eat green leafy vegetables There’s a new way to get more of them into your diet – let cows do it for you! Cows spend all day every day eating green leafy vegetables such as grass. Now have a steak. 9. See your doctor frequently I see mine every Saturday afternoon. Fore! 10. Get 8 hours of sleep every night Or 9 or 10 or 11 – see Health & Fitness tip #1 above. BONUS TIP: The Third World Miracle Diet Take one tablespoon of Cairo tap water with every meal and eat what you want! And never forget that Health and Fitness will add 10 years to your life. (Unfortunately they will add 10 years to the wrong end of your life. If Health and Fitness added 10 years to my life between ages 18 and 19, my Health and Fitness regime would make Tom Brady’s look like Rosanne Barr’s.)

4.  Put your cigarette lighter in the attic and your Marlboros in the cellar Great exercise! If you have a pack-a-day habit you’ll climb 420 flights of stairs a week. 5. Go for a run Adopt a hungry pit bull. Don’t feed it. Put a raw steak in your pocket. Give yourself a 3-minute head start running down the block. Then have your spouse let the pit bull out the front door. 6.  Do push-ups and pull-ups with weight attached At my house the weight is attached to me. I push myself up out of bed. I pull myself up after tying my shoes. Etc.

7. Eliminate between-meal snacks Eat only at mealtimes. Mealtimes are

as follows: • Breakfast • Brunch • Elevenses • Lunch • Tiffin • Tea • Canapes • Dinner • Dessert • Hors d’oeuvres

• Supper • Dessert • Savory • Midnight raid on the refrigerator

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