Non-disabled people have this fear of saying the wrong thing when it comes to disability. My general rule of thumb? Talk to them like you would anyone else. If we make jokes about ourselves and have opening lines on dating apps related to their disability? Laugh at them, we know we’re funny and it’s about time people gave us credit for it. There’s also a lack of awareness around disability, particularly within the queer community. Why? Because we’re erased from queer culture. A majority of disabled venues aren’t accessible, at least in my experience as a wheelchair user. There’s been little engagement from the community around issues of accessibility and ableism, and I don’t want to believe DISABLED QUEERS WANT THE EXACT SAME THINGS OUR NON-DISABLED SIBLINGS WANT; TO DANCE, TO BE INCLUDED, TO BE LOVED, TO BE RODE INTO OBLIVION. “
RIDE WITH PRIDE!
I personally have a lot to say about how I’ve been treated by the community that’s meant to welcome us from a lack of engagement from promoters and venues about accessibility and then flat-out ignorance from people on nights out in gay bars. We’ve been erased from queer history even though we’ve been right there at every pivotal event from Stonewall to Marriage Equality here in Ireland. The disabled queer experience is one of exclusion, and that has to end if we’re to move forward. Sex positivity in the queer community needs to do more to extend to disabled people. For example, if you run a nightclub that offers a dark room. Put it on the ground floor. You may not think disabled people will make use of it, but I have news for you; they will. If you consider hoists as an example, they are pretty much the same as sex swings. Disabled people deserve access to sex as much as anyone else, and people should be having sex with us whether it’s a one-night stand or as part of a relationship dynamic, whether it’s one partner or multiple. Open the lines of communication around sex. If you’re having sex with a disabled person, talk to them about what they like, where is the best place to touch, what positions work for them; all the conversations you would hopefully have with non-disabled partners. Content creators like Andrew Gurza and Eva Sweeney are revolutionizing the way we talk about disabled people and sex, and while I would encourage you to check them out on Twitter and Instagram, they’re international examples. We need space for Irish disabled people to build those platforms and discuss sex in the same carefree way without the stigma.
By Alannah Murray
Once people found out, the reaction was mixed but most of it was negative. It ranged from people saying, “Aw that’s a shame”, to curious people who wanted to know invasive questions about my medical history and my ability to still have sex, and then on the extreme end of the spectrum there were people who said that I should tell people before they matched with me to avoid “tricking people”. It was a really confusing time for me, and my identity. I was already nervous about dating because I hadn’t dated through my teens at all. I believed that people would feel tricked or something by finding out I was in a wheelchair, like it was this big plot specifically to defraud people. So, I began to disclose my disability and I started loving myself more and it took a lot of work to remind myself that I deserved the same affection as a non-disabled person. Then the messages stopped coming, apart from people who were “devotees”. These are people who have a sexualized interest in disabled people and tend to prey on young disabled women. So, for quite some time, I didn’t date online at all. Luckily, I’ve had some positive experiences as well with online dating and met some incredible people, but it got me thinking about wider representation and people’s attitudes towards disability, sex and relationships. There seems to be two extremes with how people engage with disability and sex. They either hypersexualize it, or they don’t talk about it at all. It’s like catholic guilt. It’s a frowned upon topic that disabled people can engage with sexuality at all because people think we’re these innocent people with no control over our lives and need to be cared for. That isn’t the case. We need people to view us as human beings rather than objects or charity cases. All the things you’d afford somebody with no disability on dating apps and all the depth you’d find in them based on their interests and their qualities that you fall for or makes you want to get to know them more? Disabled people have them and more. There’s this idea that disabled people aren’t just as eager to get the ride as non-disabled people. I think with the queer community, we need to reject the idea that disabled people don’t want to know someone biblically just because they’re disabled. To do that, we need to do what Irish people fear most; talk about riding, both in a general sense and one on one.
Dear Reader,
Happy Pride first of all! I know it hasn’t been the easiest year on everyone, in particular the queer community. You’ve missed out on everything the queer experience is; meeting up with your friends, laughter, dancing, queer joy. Dating, hookups, relationships, all the fun things that come with being young. What if I told you, that being queer and disabled meant missing out on it anyway; Covid or not? Disabled people are frequently left out of conversations around the queer experience, but a big gap that hasn’t gotten any smaller is the distance between disabled queer people when it comes to dating and sex. There seems to be a disconnect from the communities around the intersections of both identities; you can be both disabled AND queer, despite the barrier of which there are numerous. I would know, that’s me! I’ve been around the block a few times trying to navigate the queer scene as a disabled person, so I think it’s time I gave back and shared my wisdom around disability, dating and sex and tackle some of the issues that exclude disabled people from the topic of sex. On a human level from non- disabled people, I think it is seen as somewhat taboo, and not something we talk about enough in queer circles. That changes today! Online dating during the pandemic has allowed people to keep in touch with people and for many has been a godsend. People have gotten creative with it, from online movie nights to virtual dinner dates. If anything, lockdown and being forced to migrate online has made everything more accessible for disabled people looking for connections. Even more casual apps like Grindr have thrived, though many people have felt like they’ve completed apps at this point. One thing that hasn’t changed though, are people’s attitudes towards dating and hookups with disabled people. There have been many debates I’ve had with myself around disability and dating in the online world; the main one being disclosure. When I first started online dating, I didn’t have any pictures of myself in my wheelchair and didn’t include anything about it in my bio.
it’s a lack of caring from either non-disabled LGBTQ+ advocates. I believe that people want to be inclusive, but they don’t know how. Much like getting over the stigma around disability and sex, this is solved by talking. If you’re putting together
In summary, my advice is simple.
Talk to disabled people. Include disabled people. Date disabled people. Ride disabled people! The community needs us, you need us, whether you realize it or not. Disabled queers want the exact same things our non-disabled siblings want; to dance, to be included, to be loved, to be rode into oblivion. It’s up to the community whether they’re going to be inclusive.
an event on queer issues, include disabled people to ensure you’re behind accessible and inclusive.
www.corkpride.com
#CorkPride2021
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