These last few weeks have been challenging and being booze-free has made sure any emotions are not misdirected in my own head or at others. I got pushed to my limits after the bully at work crossed me for the last time and ‘snap’ . I regurgitated all this to my coach who remained silent at the other end whilst I went back and forth with the bullshit detail, all the while she was being patient but was quietly observing the over-explaining. In the end, there was a diamond in the rough, the penny drop moment and I knew just from the conversation that it was all too much explaining too much energy, and quite frankly ridiculous. So her reflections of me and the words of my CEO echoing loudly over the following days, I have decided to make some changes. And here I am. Here I fu*king am. I have decided that I am going to say ‘no’ to things. I say no to being forced into spending my hard-earned cash on party bags for my 4-year-olds birthday party. To the norms and expectations of filling small bags with all types of shit that no one really gives a fu*k about all to please others. I say no to explain myself and my reasons why. Of course, I could say I am saving the earth but that would be a lie. I really just do not want to, and that is enough of a reason. You will get some Costco cake and that’s your lot. Zip. I say no to climbing Moel Famou this weekend with my so-called friend. The friend who planned it with me and then decided that she was going to bring her lover along- the lover whose wife has just died. (her best friend) And when I put my boundaries in place and say I don’t want to go with him she tells me she ‘didn’t have the heart to tell him he
couldn’t come’ , I will tell her no. I won’t explain why I feel this way; I won’t give a rationale, I will just say no because lets face it she fuck*ing knows exactly what she is doing. I say no to accepting that I am the weird one for saying absolutely fucking not to being a spare wheel, up a mountain, pretending I don’t know they are having an affair, yet watching them make eyes at each other, when I could be at home enjoying time with my family! I say no to doing something that I do not want to do. Anything that I do not want to do. I say no to her putting me in this position and me feeling bad for sounding like an unreasonable freak for saying I’m not going. Just no; no; no. I am saying no to explaining myself to the coercive controller at work who manipulates me and gaslights me. I will no longer be explaining jack shit….Karen. I am taking my power back.I am no longer letting a bitch label from the 1990’s and the wine filled anxiety of 20 plus years be the reason I am so scared to challenge. I have nothing to hide. Its 2022 and I am so far removed from that place, but I needed this time, head space to figure it out and I have to save myself. I am so tired of explaining myself; trying not to overstep the mark and in doing so having my boundaries violated. No more. It’s over. I am tired.But I am energised and my pearls are firmly around my neck. Lots of Love, Emma ❤️
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