OUTSIDE OF ACHIEVEMENTS There’s this exhilarating high I’m always chas- ing, the feeling of being “the best.” But you know what? It doesn’t last, and it rarely feels as satisfying as I thought it would. I had an eight month gap in between undergrad and grad school, and let me tell you: It was one of the hardest seasons of my life. For the first time ever, I couldn’t claim the label “student” that I’d proudly worn my whole life, and it rocked my world. My little achiever self didn’t know how to assess my personal worth: At best, I was a once-a-week babysitter. In the early stages of that season, I had a mentor share this profoundly simple statement that blew my mind: “God defines success differently than you do.”Whether you’re a follower of Jesus or not, basing your identity and personal value on the measure of your accomplishments will only lead to discouragement and frustration, if not burnout and depression. Moreover, if us adults are prone to it, how much more likely are our kids to base their identity on the emo- tional roller coaster of a good grade or final score? Manhattan Psychotherapy suggests “Instead of aiming for 100 percent perfection, strive for 70 percent excellence and let the other 30 percent go.”
“Shame is the voice of perfection,” Brené Brown declares in I Thought It Was Just Me. Brown’s book poses three challenging, convicting questions about expectations you place on yourself (and your kids, I will add) that I dare you to answer: • Is this realistic? • What happens if people don’t perceive me (or my kid) this way? • Where did this expectation/perception come from? • Who benefits from this expectation? You’ll be surprised to discover so much of the pressure you put on yourself and your kids is rooted in shame that is perpetrated by billion-dollar industries. HOW TO HEAL In The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting, Brown states, “It’s actually our ability to embrace imperfection that will help us teach our chil- dren to have the courage to be authentic, the compassion to love themselves and others, and the sense of connection that gives true purpose and meaning to life.” Every kid is dif- ferent, which also means that their emotional processing and perfectionist tendencies will likely be different as well. Nevertheless, there are many awesome tools out there that can help you better understand your child, from personality tests like the Enneagram (hello, type 1 Perfectionists and type 3 Achievers) and Myers-Briggs to parenting books. (But
don’t turn tools into your own perfect little checklist to accomplish!) Therapy can also be extremely helpful for your child to have a safe place to work through their emotions. TIPS TO OVERCOMING • Define success as your child doing their best, no matter the outcome. • Teach them to view failures as stepping stones and opportunities to grow. • Give grace to yourself and your kids. Kids don’t do what you say—they do what they see you do. • Have open, honest conversations about your mistakes (and theirs). • Affirm your love verbally and remind them their worth isn’t based on what they achieve. • Teach your kids “You matter” by spending time with them. • Explain your expectations and set reason- able goals. (Clarity is kindness.) • Step away from the resumé-builders. • Limit your kids to a handful of activities so they don’t run themselves (and you!) into the ground. • Practice self-compassion. • Celebrate the little things and be quick to praise. • Comparison is the thief of joy—and social media only shows the highlight reels. Your kid may need to step away from social media in some capacity.
EXPOSE THE ROOTS OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS
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