MIND-BODY-SPIRIT
Men and Relationships
know exactly what it is about them you appreciate in each moment. Overcome your embarrassment about being poetic. Your partner may be hungry for heartfelt expressions of love. 3. Learn how to be more vulnerable . Intimacy is “into me see”. We need to let our partners see us more deeply. We need to feel and express our feelings. Yes, we as men sometimes feel hurt or afraid, but we’re often taught to keep it well hidden. Outwardly, we often present a strong, competent image. Showing our human frailty to our loved ones gives them a very wonderful gift of love. When we feel sad, instead of covering it up with activity, we can share it with a loved one. Instead of jumping into an angry posture every time we feel hurt, the vulnerable (and courageous) approach is to reveal the hurt feelings directly, without anger or resentment. Whenever I have done this with Joyce, I have short-circuited a potentially long, drawn-out argument. When I only show her the anger, I am keeping myself defended, and lose out on the love I could be receiving. 4. Ask for help. We as men tend not to ask for help enough. This can be another way to become more vulnerable. Ask for help with physical things, but also ask for help with your emotions, such as sadness, shame, or fear. Showing your partner that you need their help empowers them and allows them to love you more fully. Perhaps the most vulnerable thing I do is to let Joyce know how much I need her love. Rather than appearing “needy” to her, she sees me as being strong and courageous. It’s empowering to feel needed. 5. Learn to be a better listener . Really listening to our partner is a profound gift. Often, we can’t listen because there is so much clut - ter in our own minds and emotions. Or we often listen with the pur- pose of fixing a problem. Most of the time, there is nothing to fix, but
BY BARRY VISSELL WITH JOYCE VISSELL Over the years of working with men and their relationships, not to mention my own 59-year relationship with Joyce, I have seen some central issues emerge. The last thing I want to do is generalize, saying that all men do this or feel that. However, I have seen certain tenden - cies which apply to many men. If any of the following applies to you, take it to heart. If not, let it pass, but be sure you are not in denial. And women, please read the following. It may apply just as much to you. 1. First, learn to take better care of your heart. Yes, by all means take care of your physical heart with proper nutrition and ex- ercise. But also take care of your heart of hearts, your soul. Many men seem to have a tendency for workaholism, or as Swami Beyondananda calls it, the “do-be-do-be-do” imbalance. Many men are preoccupied with doing and spend too little time being. How about starting the day with a time of stillness, deep breathing and self-reflection? There are other ways you can find to nurture your inner life, like spending time alone in nature, reading uplifting books, or taking time throughout the day to give thanks for all the good in your life. “Soul-work” is a necessary precursor for fulfilling relationships. Plus, your partner will often feel less burdened knowing you are taking care of yourself. 2. Voice your appreciation to your partner and to all your loved ones . We, as men, often tend to remain silent, assuming our loved ones know how much we love them. Or we assume our ac- tions speak louder than words. Of course, our good deeds can convey our love, but it is not enough. Our words of appreciation are nectar to the ones we love. More than simply saying “I love you,” let this person
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64—PATHWAYS—Spring 24
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