unnoticed by our neighbor to the south. The lure of a better way of life is too much, and hundreds of thousands of Chihuahuas begin flooding over the border. Their cuteness being undeniable, they are welcomed with open arms. This puts an enormous strain on the existing puppy-care infrastructure. Rescue organizations and foster homes are overrun. American Staffordshire terriers (aka pit bulls), which are not a recognized “cute breed,” are systematically euthanized to make room in the “no-kill” shelters to pamper the little Mexican darlings. More regulations are now necessary, as the EPA identifies puppy poop as a new and growing source of contamination in violation of Waters of the United States Act (WOTUS). The plastic bag lobby wins a major victory by convincing Congress to require puppy owners to purchase an average of two poopy bags per day for each pet owned. (Meanwhile, the cat lobby finally gets a win by successfully arguing that kittens should be exempt due to litter boxes.) Suddenly, the State Department notices a huge uptick in visa requests from Americans desperate to visit Cuba. The Congressional Research Service (CRS) investigates the cause. Two years later, the original hypothesis of a growing American interest in rusty antique cars is shot down by the research results. The CRS determines that the national dog of Cuba, the Havanese (similar to a Chihuahua, except it’s a “proletarian worker dog”), is in fact the cutest pup in the world, and Americans can’t find enough of them in the States. The Department of Commerce immediately recommends a tariff on Cuban-
born puppies and the agriculture appropriators in Congress secure an enormous taxpayer-funded grant to develop the domestic Havanese breeding industry.
"Ernest Dogsbody" has been, for the past 25 years, a registered lobbyist for... um... The Burlap Catnip Mouse Manufacturers of America. and potentially make a kid who puts too much cheese on an order of nachos a felon. Yes, Congress may be a cesspool in which a perpetual game of puppy poo-slinging rages, but be aware – it has strong arms, and no matter where in the country you try to hide, it is inevitable that your life will be soiled by the crap it throws around. PACA is not real. (At least so far as I know.) But there are plenty of similar stories brewing in the minds of your elected officials. A noble idea such as requiring caloric information on restaurant menus to fight the “obesity epidemic” sounds reasonable. And that is why it was included in the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare) without debate and went into effect this spring. What was not anticipated was that it would regulate a supermarket the same way it does a fast food restaurant, allow for frivolous lawsuits, require pizza chains to post... on a menu board... every possible combination of pizza (Domino’s estimates over 34 million variations),
Fearing a divisive floor fight, the “Kittens are Cute Too” amendment was labeled a “poison- pill” and deemed out of order by the Rules Committee.
American Consequences 85
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