The political Coastals are enamored of world peace, although they’ve been to fancy schools and know the words of Tacitus about his own Roman Empire, “... make a desolation and call it peace.” Yet not all Coastals are peace-mongers. It’s Coastals who send the U.S. military on fool’s errands to Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and Syria. It’s Heartlanders who join up. The crux of the matter is not about Heartlanders being good and Coastals being evil. It’s about their respective ability to tell the difference. This is similar to their respective judgment about intoxication. Heartlanders get drunk and think they’ve become stupid. Coastals get stoned and think they’ve become brilliant. Heartlanders believe in applying common To take a simple example of good, there’s the Bill of Rights. A Heartlander looks at the Bill of Rights and thinks, “It’s pretty good.” A Coastal has a beef (free-range and grass- fed, of course) with every one of the first 10 Amendments: I. Free speech Coastal: What if it makes college students cry? II. Right to bear arms Unless the guns are scary-looking. III. No soldiers to be quartered in houses in time of peace Does Airbnb count? Because Airbnb is contributing to the shortage of affordable housing in rapidly gentrifying inner cities sense to the question of good and evil. Coastals believe in arguing about it.
and while I don’t advocate the quartering of soldiers per se, because that might be insensitive to anti-war homeowners, there are the homeless to be considered and... IV. No unlawful search and seizure Although in many ways Edward Snowden made important contributions to the goals of transparency in... V. Protection against self- incrimination Unless investigated by Robert Mueller. VI. & VII. Right to jury trial When not already found guilty in a New York Times editorial. VIII. Prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment Except reputational death by Twitter. IX. Enumerated rights Wait a minute! They left out the right to health care, the right to education, the right to a living wage, the right to... X. “The Powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.” But... But... But so many of those states are in places like Oklahoma and so many of those people live in states like that and... Which brings us back to knowing hay from straw. It turns out not to matter. Either hay or straw will do just fine to stuff in the mouth of a Coastal.
American Consequences 9
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