Vol 11. Edition 1
News from CannaTown
Page 9
Libra - It’s not that this area is a ‘bad neighborhood’ per se, unless you’re weirdly attached to your hubcaps. Scorpio - A er driving you mad for better part of a week, you’ll nally determine the source of the buzzing noise to be your own mouth. Sagittarius - You're not sure what to do about the cobbler elves dwelling in the walls, but might as well start with mousetraps. Capricorn - ere’s no better time to drive o into the sunset, than when you’re being chased by gigantic sand worms in the des- sert a er smaking through a jar of rosin. Aquarius - Your “Olestra Challenge” ended badly, but at least no one saw you crying in the shower. Pisces - In a quest to be a better person, you’ll shed loved ones to earn a fortune, and prioritize spending it on branding yourself, live for your followers.
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - As you pack for your vacation, remem- ber that alot of restaurants don’t just let you show up in sweatpants. Taurus - You were pretty jazzed when they told you about all the turps in your wax, until you realized they meant toxic paint-removers. Gemini - Maybe if you wrap a bow on your- self naked for Valentine’s, your girlfriend will just forget about your lack of present while she pukes in the foyer. Cancer - Your review of the latest vaporizer will include how it enabled you to nally tell o your mother-in-law. Leo - You went for the disheveled look, but ended up with the zombie-vagrant on acid look. Virgo - In the quiet preceding the storm, you’ll notice the murder of crows have pinpointed the crumbs of buttery shell sh upon your lapel.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Wolves Released Into Natural Kmart Habitat Roastabone, Tue — In a daring move heralded nationwide, city ocials in Roastabone nally carried through with an audacious plan to reintroduce the surging wolf population into its more natural, abandoned Kmart habitat. “A few of the blue lights are ashing, just like civilization le it,” said DNR director Veruca Svelte. In front of a cheering crowd, with Born Free blaring, doors of the Kmart swung open to welcome the pack, led by an alpha into the aisles, ready to claim and mark out territories. “ e years of abandonment have helped restore the Kmart to the way the Good Lord intended,” said Svelte, adding that the creatures have already made a den in Sporting Goods. e release program, rst conceived last night over a round of drinks, was meant to introduce teeming wildlife with their most ideal deserted retail landscapes. “ is really is the best place for them. ey love slushies.”
Released wolves check out their new Kmart, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Multiverse collapses under own weight of cultural saturation .................................... E6 Tesla robot dead a er drinking charged lem- onade ........................................................ F2 Millenials unluckiest, just nest generation .................................................. ........ ...... G13 Science wrong, nds trucker ................... H1
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