it occurred to me that I am becoming more resilient - without even realizing it. I have more on the list of habits that increase mental health than I had habits that undermine it. This was not always the case.. I thought I had gained resilience over the past 30 years living with major depression. I had to keep getting up and do life when I felt I had nothing in me. Painful days that I dredged myself through with the inside of me crying. The exhaustion of having to put on a normal face for people to see when all I wanted to do was hide from the world. I kept going, but was that resilience? I don't know. I think I was only surviving. I was numbed to survive it. Being addicted to alcohol and making the decision for myself to do what is best for me, which is eliminating it from my life, was the first courageous step. After quitting, I thought I was doing better, but still teetertottering on a life of sobriety. Could I sustain it through all these feelings? When I emailed Susan to see if it was too late for me to be a part of Pledge 100, I was very uncomfortable and felt nervous sending that email. Even after her caring response, I still didn't feel comfortable. Now we are on Day 80. I am not the same person who started this Pledge 100 journey. All of the changes in my resilience have come from my participation in this program. They have come from taking chances and being more courageous to post my thoughts and feelings and things that are truly me. I still cringe sometimes after I post and feel silly or think that some may feel I'm just a dreamer or that my replies do not have the same substance as others - but then my new voice kicks in and says, "It is ok, you are being you and that is good enough and that is everything."
I think that's true resilience. I am thriving more rather than just surviving and it is a new and much better way to live.
-B.H..-
| HOLA SOBER| IMADRID |
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