It’s Christmas 2020 and we’ve lost the plot... This year, none of our favorite Christmas traditions make any sense.
This year, the Grinch doesn’t steal Christmas. The Whos down in Whoville are having a super-spreader event and a bitterly contested election for mayor of Whoville, plus they’re rioting for social justice. “Cindy Lou Who Matters.” The Grinch wants no part of any of it and stays in his cave on Mt. Crumpit with his loyal dog Max. Not that the Grinch has much choice anyway, what with Whoville being under strict emergency stay-at-home orders. Also, don’t bother to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas . Charlie Brown’s friends get together to tell him the true meaning of Christmas... thereby infecting all their households with COVID-19. Everybody’s grandparents wind up in the ICU. And Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree gets stolen by looters. Likewise, you can close the book on Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol . Bob Cratchit is working from home and can set his own hours. Jacob Marley’s ghost is wearing an N95 mask and Scrooge can’t understand a word he’s saying. And the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is busy distributing a coronavirus vaccine. Too late, alas, for Tiny Tim, who has a comorbidity.
And forget reciting “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.” Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. He’s not an antifa vandal, apparently, because most of them are vegans and don’t wear fur. But he could be a member of some lunatic alt-right militia... Anyway, better shoot him. But worst of all, Christmas music grates on our nerves this year. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” – emphasis on little. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” – way too true. “Feliz Navidad” – wasn’t The Wall supposed to put an end to this sort of thing? And we can’t go out caroling, but if we did, we’d be singing “Stay Home All Ye Faithful.” What we need are some songs to suit the temper (I’m about to lose mine) of the times and capture the (lousy) spirit of holiday season 2020...
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By P.J. O’Rourke
American Consequences
17
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