Social media is a highlight reel of smiling parents with adorable babies. It’s a challenge figuring out what is true about what we’re consuming, and the same goes for parents. “The algorithm may be feeding someone Ballerina Farms-style mommy content in which a thin and beautiful woman is raising eight children while also managing to bake fresh bread daily and never has a hair out of place,” Brittain explains. “Or it may be feeding them ‘manosphere’ content of fathers bragging about never changing a diaper. Of course, the reality of this content is that there are many people behind the scenes sup- porting the family and the content is being carefully curated. So it’s important to keep in mind that whether it’s a professional content creator or a neighbor, what people put on social media is usually only one part of the story.” Brittain says the trick is to normalize that your relationship feels different and feels challenging, while also not surrendering to an inevitable drift and continuing to find ways to invest in the romantic relationship and turn toward each other.
conflicts, Brittain helps them understand the issues as arising from an interactional pattern instead of one or the other’s individual deficits, “so that they can work as a team to interrupt these patterns and communicate in a more direct and vulnerable way with each other.” When couples are able to do this, it signals to their nervous system that they are on the same team, and it helps both partners feel more secure and able to access their best problem solving, resilience, and generally, their best parenting selves, she adds. For helping couples have conversations about sharing household labor, Brittain recommends the Fair Play documentary and card “game” to help couples really think about all the labor in their relationships and family, both the visible tasks (like taking out the garbage) and the mental load (like making sure birthdays are special and kids are signed up for camps in time). “I encourage couples to find ways to prioritize both alone time to recharge, as well as time together without the kids. Easier said than done, but doing this before distance and disconnection take hold is easier than trying to recover later. You have a huge and important role as parents, but it’s also import-
ant to find ways to nurture the other parts of who you are—a friend, an athlete, a lover, a professional, etc.,” Brittain emphasizes. BEING PROACTIVE If a couple is wondering when it’s a good time to discuss their relationship with the help of a therapist, Brittain says it’s never too early. “Even before becoming parents, estab- lishing a relationship with a counselor that you trust, as well as getting a handle on any unhelpful communication patterns, can set you up for success when the stress of parent- ing gets added to the mix,” she explains. But if coparenting couples are stuck in repetitive cycles of conflict and are spending more time caught in defensiveness, criticism, and unproductive conflict rather than feeling connected, Brittain recommends finding a trained couples therapist to support estab- lishing better communication and interrupt- ing negative cycles. “The reality is that relationship satisfaction generally dips in the first few years of co-par- enting—it’s a high stress, sleep-deprived time, and few of us have the community and family support we need,” says Brittain. So take a breath, check in, and remember: You aren’t in this alone.
WORKING THROUGH IT To help couples better understand their
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