To help couples better understand their conflicts, Brittain helps them understand the issues as arising from an interactional pattern instead of one or the other’s individual deficits, “so that they can work as a team to interrupt these patterns and communicate in a more direct and vulnerable way with each other.” When couples are able to do this, it signals to their nervous system that they are on the same team, and it helps both partners feel more secure and able to access their best problem solving, resilience, and generally their best parenting selves, she adds. For helping couples have conversations about sharing household labor, Brittain recommends the Fair Play documentary and card “game” to help couples really think about all the labor in their relationships and family, both the visible tasks (like taking out the garbage) and the mental load (like making sure birthdays are special and kids are signed up for camps in time). “I encourage couples to find ways to prioritize both alone time to recharge, as well as time together without the kids. Easier said than done, but doing this before distance and dis- connection take hold is easier than trying to recover later. You have a huge and important role as parents, but it’s also important to find ways to nurture the other parts of who you are—a friend, an athlete, a lover, a profession- al, etc.,” Brittain emphasizes. BEING PROACTIVE If a couple is wondering when it’s a good time to discuss their relationship with the help of a therapist, Brittain says it’s never too early. “Even before becoming parents, establishing a relationship with a counselor that you trust, as well as getting a handle on any unhelpful communication patterns, can set you up for success when the stress of par- enting gets added to the mix,” she explains. But if coparenting couples are stuck in repetitive cycles of conflict and are spending more time caught in defensiveness, criticism, and unproductive conflict rather than feeling connected, Brittain recommends finding a trained couples therapist to support estab- lishing better communication and interrupt- ing negative cycles. “The reality is that relationship satisfaction generally dips in the first few years of co- parenting—it’s a high stress, sleep-deprived time, and few of us have the community and family support we need,” says Brittain. So take a breath, check in, and remember: You aren’t in this alone.
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