USELESS CHRISTMAS TRIVIA By P.J. O'Rourke
You’re having a great big old-fashioned family Christmas dinner? Good luck with that. I know the crowd. There’s Uncle Louie in a MAGA hat and “I’m With Her” Aunt Edna and their son “Feel the Bern” Lou Jr. There’s vegan sis and Paleo-diet brother. There’s Antifa niece, Tiki Torch in-law, and Rainbow Coalition cousin and his partner who spends all day on alt-right websites reading blog posts by Milo Yiannopoulos. There’s the nephew who thinks Colin Kaepernick should be 2018’s NFL MVP seated next to NRA Life Member Grandpa... And there’s you. Sometimes it’s hard to get the conversation started. More often, it’s hard to get the conversation stopped . As soon as everybody starts screaming and yelling at one another, it’s your job, as host, to quickly CHANGE THE SUBJECT!
Below are a few random items of useless Christmas trivia. Interject them loudly in a commanding tone of voice, and maybe your guests will be momentarily distracted and quit venting their spleens at one another... and start venting them at you. (Incidentally, the following information is all true so far as the author – and Google – can determine.) “The original ‘St. Nick’ was Saint Nicholas of Myra, a fourth-century bishop in Asia Minor who was famously generous to the poor but so shy about his generosity that he used to drop gifts down poor people’s chimneys in the middle of the night. This is why Santa Claus comes down the chimney. [Cast meaningful glance at roaring blaze in fireplace.] Anyone smell burning elf?”
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American Consequences 57
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